


Wrap your wings around my body

by Dance_Alone



Category: Hurts (UK Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-28
Updated: 2019-06-20
Packaged: 2019-10-18 11:24:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 43,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17579936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dance_Alone/pseuds/Dance_Alone
Summary: Theo's a popstar and in need of a bodyguard. Adam takes the job...





	1. A new start?

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a while but here I am with a new story. ;) This fiction is inspired by the movie 'Bodyguard' and also by Hurts' video to 'Wings'. I hope you like it and as always I'm curious what you think. :)

My name is Adam Anderson. I am 30 years old and my job is it to protect other peoples’ lives. Yes, I’m a bodyguard. I’ve been in this business for quite some time already, but most of the years I’ve spent working as the head of a security team for the British parliament. Much responsibility. But I always liked my job until at one point I started asking myself if that was it already? If I would be doing the same routines for the rest of my working life. I somehow wanted to do something different, to see more than those old walls of the parliament. Having new challenges, taking even more responsibility and getting new perspectives. And that’s when I decided that I wanted to become a bodyguard, to work for one person only, to protect this person with my life. I did some additional courses, which provided me with the necessary competence skills that were required for my new job.

And after that everything went very fast. I got an inquiry from the management of a British popstar. It said that this popstar was about to go on tour with his third studio album and that he was in pressing need of protection. Everything began about half a year ago with an apparently crazy fan constantly sending death threads. The motive seemed to be obvious: unrequited love and jealousy. A complete loss of reality.

First the whole team including the singer didn’t take it too seriously. They considered this kind of inconvenience part of the job. There had been crazy fans as long as there had been popstars, nothing unusual. But then an incident occurred, where a bomb disguised as a mannequin exploded in the singer’s dressing room, while doing a promotional gig in London for the new album. Luckily the singer was still doing soundcheck since he had been late due to traffic. Because of that nobody came to harm by the explosion. But the incident was definitely a warning for the team, who finally recognized the seriousness of the situation. However they chose not to inform the singer about what happened, since they didn’t want him to be scared and therefore threaten the upcoming album promotion and tour.   
     
When I was first informed about the case I was actually quite surprised that those people had picked ME for this job, since I had never worked as a bodyguard before. But apparently my good reputation from my time working for the British parliament was enough to be recommended in this business. The popstar I should protect was no one less than Theo Hutchcraft. Popular, famous, handsome. With three albums in he was at the zenith of success. Loved by thousands, but seemingly hated just as much by one person, who was willing to end his life. 

I asked them to give me time for consideration. I wasn’t sure if I should take that job offer or not. Actually it was all I could have wished for. It was my ticket into something new, my way out of the confines of the routines that was my life. I would be on tour with a superstar for the next months, travel the world and finally do the job I wanted to do. The only thing that made me hesitate was she. Katie. We’ve been together for so long and never really been apart.

Katie was my first real girlfriend, the first girl I took a commitment with. We seemed to be perfect for each other. I was sure I was gonna marry her one day. But that day hadn’t come yet. I knew she was probably waiting for me to propose to her but something kept me from doing it. It admittedly seemed like the logical next step. Marrying, maybe having children. That’s what I always imagined but now I wasn’t sure anymore. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. It wasn’t that we were fighting much. It was more that everyone lived his own life next to the other and the time together mostly consisted of old patterns and routines, thoroughly developed over the years. She didn’t make me happy anymore. But wasn’t it somehow the usual course of events after so many years of relationship? At least that was what I made myself believe. 

But every so often came the doubts, deep at night, quiet at first but then becoming louder and louder. There was the sudden thought of break-up, to end it all as an act of liberation. But when morning came, freedom didn’t seem that appealing anymore. It would mean change, leaving behind a life I got so used to. It would take courage I somehow didn’t have. It was so much easier to just leave everything the way it was. What once felt so right, couldn’t be wrong now, could it?

But when I got that job offer, I just couldn’t decide against it. Katie had to understand. It was like a dream of mine coming true and also, I thought maybe a little distance would be good for us as a couple. I secretly hoped it would make things clearer for me, make the doubts subside. If I missed her, I would know it was still worth to hold on to what we had and if I didn’t… well I would know, too.

She didn’t want me to leave. I tried to calm her down, told her I won’t be gone forever and that we could see each other during the tour when playing shows in the UK and maybe also while having a longer break during gigs. She still wasn’t really convinced but she knew this job was a great chance for me and in the end she agreed.     
    
*

After the decision had been made and I agreed to become Theo Hutchcraft's bodyguard, there was an appointment set up for the first meeting with the popstar and his management. So, still in London we met at the manager’s office a few days before the tour started. When I was on my way, I felt myself becoming a bit nervous because I didn’t know what to expect after all. 

I entered a huge building and pushed the button of the elevator. Having arrived on the 7th floor I was searching for the right office. It was the last one in the hallway, the sign reading Matt Vines. I took a deep breath, knocked and entered the room when I heard a “Come in”.

There were a few people gathered around in the room but my gaze immediately shifted to the man I would have to protect in the future. He was sitting there on a comfortable looking couch in an elegant suit, sipping tea. One could say he had quite a special presence, easily shining out everyone else in the room. He looked at me with a raised eyebrow and immediately managed to make me somehow feel out of place. Before I got the chance to say something, Mr. Vines was already coming towards me, greeting me with a friendly smile. “Mr. Anderson… good to see you! Let me introduce you to these gentlemen!”

I smiled back and took a few steps into the room, when he already continued. He introduced me to the tour manager, to a few people from the security team and of course to the singer himself. Said one lazily stood up from his couch and shook my hand. He appeared bored with a touch of arrogance. ‘A typical popstar’ I thought to myself. Well, that could be fun in the future.

“Normally with the whole team we call each other by our first names. So, if you don’t mind?” Matt directed the question towards me.

“No, not at all,” I said, already feeling a bit more comfortable, “I’m Adam!”

Everyone threw their names in my direction and then I was looking at the singer, wondering if I would have to address him formally. He eyed me for a moment and then said “Theo,” before taking another sip of his tea. I gave him a nod and a little smile, which he didn’t return.

After that Matt was giving me a briefing how he imagined things to work from now on. I practically should be by Theo’s side all the time. During concerts, press appointments and public events of course, but also during traveling and aftershow parties and stuff like that. The whole security team was under my lead and would be following my instructions. There was also a second bodyguard, Stephen, who would step in for me whenever I had time off. I was listening carefully at everything I was being told and so did the rest of the team. From time to time I threw a glance at Theo who hadn’t said a word during the whole conversation. He was playing with the seam of his trousers and looked a bit uneasy or even annoyed. It was quite hard to read him.

When he suddenly spoke up, it wasn’t what I expected. “And when I go to the toilet, does he have to follow me there, too? Maybe even reach the toilet paper to me?” He was glaring at his manager.

“Theo, please…” Matt interfered, “we already talked about this. It’s for your own safety!”

“Yes, and I already told you that you are exaggerating! Hell, when you are famous there will always be haters. And this one particular girl who is writing those threatening letters, well she’s just a crazy fan with a sick fantasy. And we turn everything upside down just because someone has gone a little insane in the brain.” 

“It’s not just a little insane, Theo and you know that. We’re not talking about a school girl with an unrequited crush. By the way, we don’t even know if the person is a female… But whoever it is, this person wants to see you dead, Theo and we have to take this matter seriously!” Matt was glancing a bit helplessly in my direction, maybe expecting me to join in and convince Theo that he is really in need of protection.

“Oh and you think that HE…” Theo was giving me a short look, before addressing his manager again “… is able to protect my life. To be honest when you told me about your hired bodyguard I was expecting something else… I mean, look at him. He’s even shorter than me.” 

“Adam Anderson has excellent references…” Matt gave back, clearly feeling uncomfortable with the whole situation.

“I guess that’s a misunderstanding,” I finally spoke up. “I’m not here to convince anyone that my service is needed. I don’t think I can efficiently work with someone who thinks of my presence as a burden rather than a necessity for his own safety.”

Theo looked at me a little taken aback but he composed himself quickly. “Well then, Adam, it’s good that we agree on that. It was nice meeting you. And now, everyone please excuse me, I’ve got loads on things to do before tour starts.” With those words, he grabbed his coat and was out of the door before anyone could protest.

I already felt disappointed because I was really looking forward to this job, but things really weren’t going the way I had imagined them beforehand and this Theo-guy seemed to be a real pain in the ass. I was already about to grab my stuff when Matt touched my shoulder lightly and made me face him. 

“Adam please, don’t go. You need to apologize Theo's behaviour. He doesn’t acknowledge the seriousness of the situation. He’s a free soul, he doesn’t want to be controlled and you are a stranger to him. But he needs you, even though he doesn’t know that yet. Theo’s a good guy. I’m sure you will get along with him if you only give each other a chance.” Matt was looking at me with pleading eyes and I could feel that Theo meant a lot to him. The poor guy was worried out of his mind.

“Matt… I do want to help you… and Theo. But I can’t do that without him accepting me. Have you even told him about the incident with the explosion in his dressing room by now? If the plan had worked, he probably wouldn’t be alive anymore…”

Matt was looking at the floor and then said a bit hesitantly: “No, he doesn’t know… we didn’t want to worry him. He should be able to fully concentrate on his music and the promotion for the album.”

I shook my head. “I’m afraid it won’t be possible to keep everything away from him. If you really want to protect him, he needs to know what’s going on and understand that his life is in danger.” 

“Alright,” Matt gave back, acceptance dawning on his face. “I will talk to him and when he knows the truth, I’m sure he will change his opinion concerning a bodyguard. If I call you tomorrow, would you still be willing to protect Theo and go on tour with him?”

“If he is willing, I am too,” I gave Matt a reassuring nod, said my goodbyes to the rest of the team and made my way out of the building. Now I could only wait how things would turn out.


	2. Revelations

Matt called the following day. He told me that Theo had eventually agreed on having me as his bodyguard on tour with him.

“Listen, Adam…” he said to me, “it was a shock for Theo to find out what’s really going on. He’s scared now, I know it, even though he would never admit it. It’s important that you can give him a feeling of safety. He will need it in order to be able to get through the tour.” 

I knew that my task wouldn’t be an easy one. My job wasn’t only about protecting someone, it was also about trust. Theo and I would have to become a close unit, we would be spending almost every hour of the day together. I would become a part of his life and I could only hope he would let me in. I was definitely ready for my new job and I would do everything to protect him.  

The morning we left for the tour was weird. I could feel Katie was sad, but I couldn’t even say I felt the same. It was just strange to leave her after all this time, where we have never really been apart. I hugged her for the last time and then I was out of the door, not looking back. I wasn’t expecting the feeling of liberation I felt in that moment.  
But I didn’t really have time to think about it. As soon as we all met at the airport I felt as if I had arrived in a different world. It was a special atmosphere. I could feel the excitement buzzing around. Everyone was happy to be on the road again. Theo was still a bit reserved towards me, nevertheless a lot friendlier than the first time we met. I guess he had understood that I was not just there for fun and that the matter was a serious one. So, we headed for Europe on this cold day in autumn. I had no idea what to expect during the next months but I was ready to face it all.      

Tour life was nothing like the life I was used to live. It was fast, eventful and hectic. Sometimes so many things happened all at once that you didn’t even have the chance to process one event before the next adventure was already waiting around the corner. The days went by in a blur. It was an unsteady life somehow, that’s what I learned quickly. But then there were also those idle times, when nothing really happened except waiting while travelling from one place to another or waiting for a show to start. Those times gave me time to think and I didn’t really like it. I was grateful for distraction, seeing all those new and beautiful places, taking part in the busy tour life. But then when everything was calm I was somehow forced to think about Katie and my life at home and it was the strangest thing. It felt like everything was disconnected and if this old life had nothing to do with me anymore. I was so far away and that had nothing to do with actual distances.  

But I didn’t regret it for once that I took that job. I liked what I was doing, the fact that I could contribute to the safety of another person. When Theo was performing almost every night, I was standing next to the stage, close to the audience, surveying everything. I watched peoples’ hands, the look on their faces, how they moved and how they acted. But being Theo’s bodyguard during concerts wasn’t just a duty, it was also a beautiful thing to experience the joy in the fans’ eyes, the dedication, the energy. And Theo… he was a brilliant performer. He stood there on the stage with so much passion and power night after night to give those people the show of their lives. I admired him for that and he was truly captivating. I understood why he had become a superstar. If it wasn’t for my task to mainly watch the audience, I probably wouldn’t have taken my eyes of him during the whole gig. 

I still remember his smile when I told him that I actually liked his music and what he was doing in general. That was after one of the first concerts of the tour, when we were still in this state of getting to know each other. He became almost shy and mumbled a “Thanks”. His reaction surprised me a bit. He always seemed so sure of himself, tough and untouchable. That evening we had our first real conversation. We were sitting in the tour bus while Theo’s band members had already gone to sleep in their bunks. We talked a lot about his music, the things that inspire him and about the process of creating music. It was very interesting to me, a new world I had never been in touch with before. He also asked a few questions about my former professional life and I think he was even a bit impressed. I guess we got a bit closer that night and he liked me a bit more. Not that I craved it so much to be liked, but still, because of working aspects it was better to get along with him.     

But he still was a dickhead somehow. I told him it would be better if he wouldn’t leave the stage to have contact to the audience during the concert or that he shouldn’t meet fans after the shows for a while. It wasn’t safe to have that much physical contact with people, while we didn’t know if the stalker was amongst them. But Theo didn’t want to discuss the matter.

“Adam, I know you’re just doing your job… But I’m doing mine! I love meeting people and to have a connection with the audience and they love it, too. I don’t want to take that away from them and I can’t let this one crazy person dictate my whole life. It’s bad enough already…”

I knew it was difficult for him but we couldn’t change it, we could just be careful. Therefore I didn’t like his interaction with the fans but I couldn’t force him to give it up. All I could do was being by his side in those moments and watch carefully. It wasn’t easy with all those adoring fans grabbing and hugging him. Everybody wanted a peace of him. I soon began to wonder how he could even cope with that. It’s a shiny life on the surface, but if you look closer it’s hard work. The pressure, the expectations.   

It seemed like Theo’s way to deal with it was an extended nightlife. He partied after almost every concert. I had to know because I was right there. I bet I haven’t seen so many clubs in my whole life as within those first weeks of touring. Theo enjoyed himself. There was always much alcohol involved and of course: Women! He liked talking about them in interviews but he also liked picking them up from night clubs. More often than not he had company over night at least when we were staying in hotels. As for nights on the bus there was a rule that only the team was allowed on there. 

Theo was very lucky with girls. Of course. He was young, good-looking and successful. Even though I had never been the one-night-stand-kinda-guy I somehow envied him. Not only because of the beautiful women but also because of his wild lifestyle in general. He was experiencing things other people can only dream of. He was free, unbound and could do whatever the fuck he wanted. No commitment, no responsibility. When I looked at myself and the life I had and probably would lead again after this job was finished, I couldn’t help myself but find it incredibly boring. I’ve lived in the same city all my life, done the same things and been with the same woman. There hadn’t been much sexual experience before I met Katie. Therefore she was basically all I knew and it stressed me out. Now more than ever before. I knew I shouldn’t think like that but watching Theo and the way he enjoyed his life without a care about anyone or anything awoke some kind of yearning in me. He made me wish I could be like him just for a little while. 

Instead I dutifully grabbed my phone after we had come back to the hotel from another party and dialled Katie’s number, while Theo was disappearing inside his room with his girl for the night. When Katie said she missed me, I automatically answered that I missed her, too. The words were leaving a bitter taste on my tongue because they didn’t feel true. But what else should I have told her with all those miles between us. I couldn’t do this to her, not on the phone. If I would still feel that way by the end of the tour I would have a talk with her as soon as I would be home again.   

*

A few weeks into the tour a new threatening letter arrived together with some fanpost. We were immediately informed and Theo got to read it as well. It was basically the same as the letters before. The only difference was that there was a photo added from Theo with fans after a concert from one week ago. Actually everybody could have taken this photo but I supposed the stalker wanted to show us that he or she was close. An alarming thought but we could just be careful and leave the rest to the police who were keeping track to everything. 

Theo seemed on the edge and fidgety the whole day. He didn’t want to show it but I knew the whole situation was weighing heavy on him. He made it well through the concert nevertheless but this time he didn’t leave the stage to meet the crowd and afterwards he immediately jumped into a car and ordered the driver where to go.

“Are you ok?” I asked him. He only gave me a short glance. 

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I? It’s just been a bit tough the last days without a break in between concerts.” He seemed restless, his eyes roaming around, unable to find something to fix on. “I just need a drink now and party a bit and everything will be fine again.”

“If you say so…” I shrugged. To be honest I would have rather taken him back to the hotel, so that we all could calm down a bit, but it wasn’t my job to tell him what to do and so we went to another fancy club in another city. I expected Theo to get drunk and end up with a nice girl yet again but only the first part was true.

Theo was pretty drunk but at his side was a guy by the end of the night. The two had talked for a while, but when the guy got closer and closer to Theo I didn’t know what to do. I felt protective of him and after all that was what I was paid for. So, I made my way over to them, getting Theo’s attention by placing a hand on his shoulder. I gave him a questioning look but he just smiled at me reassuringly.

“It’s ok, Adam. Ben here is a nice guy. Aren’t you Ben?” 

The other guy looked a bit confused until Theo told him that I was his bodyguard. I noticed then that Theo wasn’t even as drunk as I thought he would be. 

“Oh and I thought he would snatch you away from me…” Ben purred into Theo’s ear. 

I actually should have seen it coming but it was still a shock when Theo started kissing that guy. I felt stupid standing there next to Theo like the third wheel, so I hurried to get back to my spot at the bar. I felt like having a drink, a strong one. But since I was still more or less on duty I ordered another coke. I kept throwing glances into Theo’s direction, who was making out with Ben. I knew I shouldn’t stare like that but I couldn’t help it. A bit later they disappeared to the restrooms and I felt an unsettling feeling in my stomach. I didn’t even know why this whole situation stirred me up like that. Where was the difference if Theo enjoyed himself with women or with men? It was none of my business but still, it somehow threw me off balance, even though I couldn’t find a logical explanation why. When Theo came back into the club area, he signalled me he wanted to leave. Of course. He had gotten what he wanted. 

It was a silent drive back to the hotel. I didn’t know what to say and what was even worse I didn’t know what to feel. I was thinking about some rumours about Theo's sexuality that crossed my way while doing some research after I had gotten the job offer. Nobody knew for sure and probably Theo wanted to keep people guessing. I hadn't really paid further attention to those gossips, it wasn't my cup of tea. Suddenly I was pulled out of my thoughts, when Theo spoke up next to me.

“Adam, is everything alright? Do you have a problem with what you just witnessed?” He seemed genuinely concerned.

I looked at him, spotted a little hickey on his neck and averted my gaze again. “No, I don’t have a problem. And even if I had… what would it matter? It’s your private life and I’m just doing a job… I’m not supposed to have an opinion.”

Theo looked at me for a moment, trying to focus on my face. “You’re right,” he said “But it’s still important to me, your opinion. I mean, I have you around like all fucking day long!” He tried to make a joke out of it, but I could still tell that he was serious.

“It’s just… it took me a bit off guard… but no, I really have no problem with bisexuality or whatever.” I looked down again, not knowing why this conversation was making me nervous. 

“Okay, that’s good” Theo smiled at me. He seemed relaxed, probably for the first time that day. “I love women, you know…”

“Oh yes I know!” I interrupted him with a smirk.

He let out a laugh, but then became serious again. “It’s just sometimes it’s not enough… and I need something different. Something… more.”

I felt my cheeks heat up as some explicit images were making its way into my brain unasked. “Theo…” I hurried to say something. I really didn’t need him to get more into detail. “You really don’t need to explain yourself. Everything’s fine and I’m not even there, not really. I’m just a like a shadow following you around and watching over you.”

“Alright… But you’re a nice shadow!” Theo smiled, locking eyes with me. Was he flirting or just drunk? I didn’t know how to react. Therefore I was glad when the car stopped and we could finally retreat into the hotel.


	3. Honesty

The following day was a day off. We were in Helsinki and there was so much snow everywhere. Theo, his band members and me decided to go sledging. It was good to just spend some time together, doing silly and random things. It took our minds away from the stalker problem and from the hectic tour life in general. At least for a little while we could breathe freely again, which was important, especially for Theo who constantly had to carry most of the weight. 

It was a beautiful afternoon. I couldn’t even remember the last time I had so much fun. Luckily I got along really well with everyone. They had already become like a little family to me. We formed different teams and then were racing against each other on our sledges. Theo was sitting behind me, holding on tightly. It felt good to know that we could function as a team, no matter if it was business or other stuff. Somehow our sledge got stuck in the snow and made us fall to the ground. Theo landed on top of me but instead of getting up he took a fist full of snow and tried to shove it into my face, giggling like mad. Of course I couldn’t let him get away with this and I immediately flipped us over. It wasn’t much effort for me, since I was stronger than him and as a bodyguard I had special training of course. But the game was fun anyway and we just stopped when Theo ran out of breath and finally accepted that he didn’t stand a chance. 

This day was maybe the first time Theo let down his guard in front of me. Right here he wasn’t the superstar I saw on stage almost every night and he wasn’t the womanizer or the party king. He was just Theo, a normal guy, acting almost childlike. I liked that version of him and it felt good seeing him so carefree.  
At one point I took a break, sitting down next to Lael, Theo’s bass player. He looked up at me, smiling. “You and Theo seem to get along really well now,” he stated, while drawing patterns into the snow with his boot. 

“Yeah, I think he’s accepting me better now than in the beginning…” I gave back, watching the others with their attempt to build a snow man.

Lael looked at me, putting one gloved hand on my shoulder. “I think Theo really likes you and we’re also happy that you are part of the crew now. You’re a cool lad and we’re sure that Theo’s in best hands with you.”

At that I just mumbled “Um… thanks”, feeling slightly embarrassed. Of course it was good to hear such kind words and yet I had always had difficulties with taking compliments. But I couldn’t deny that the feeling of belonging was a good one.

*

The evening was free for me. Theo didn’t want to go out and when he was staying at the hotel we had enough security arrangements so that he didn’t need someone by his side to watch out. At first I was happy that I could have a relaxed evening but soon I realized that I didn’t even know what to do with myself. I could call Katie, but I didn’t really feel like it. Then I tried to occupy myself with a book I was carrying around and never really got to read but it couldn’t hold my interest. I put it aside with a sigh and got up from the bed. For a moment I debated with myself if I should get ready to sleep but then I decided otherwise. I put on my shoes and made my way down to the hotel bar. Maybe I would even meet some of the guys there. 

Arriving at the bar I found that there weren’t many people around. I already wanted to sit down at one of the bar stools when I suddenly spotted Theo in the far corner of the bar. He was alone, his head was resting on his arms and one drink was placed next to him on the counter. It was quite a sad picture, actually. Quite the opposite to how he was usually surrounded by people, always the centre of the universe. I didn’t know if I should approach him or if he didn’t want to have any company. But then again, he could just tell me to leave if I was bothering him.

I went over to him and placed my hand on his shoulder with a quiet “Hey”. He jumped a bit since apparently he had been deeply in thought but smiled when he saw me.

“Hey Adam, come here, sit with me!”

“But only if it’s okay for you. I understand if you’d rather be alone for once. I mean, I’m by your side practically all the time.” 

“No, it’s fine. Otherwise I wouldn’t have offered it,” he gave back with a small smile on his lips. “It’s just, I didn’t really feel like partying today but I didn’t already want to go to bed either, so I ended up here...”

“I can hardly believe that you didn’t feel like partying! Is something wrong? Are you ill?” I asked half as joke but also half serious, while sitting down next to Theo.

„Haha, I know you haven’t seen anything else from me so far, but imagine even I need some quiet time every now and then,” Theo said with a little smirk. 

“Okay, so are you really sure, I’m not interrupting your quiet time right now?” 

Theo immediately shook his head at that. “Nah, to be honest I’m actually glad to have some company… You know, life can get lonely on tour and also in general…”

I was surprised by his words, since ‘lonely’ was definitely one of the last words I would have associated with Theo. The popstar who was adored by so many people. 

“It’s funny hearing someone like you talk about loneliness. I mean, on your nights out, there are so many people who are craving your attention, every single time. And out of three nights you spend two with a beautiful woman or with whoever you want…” I bit my lips, not knowing if I was overstepping boundaries between us. But on the other side, if he wanted us to have a conversation I should also be allowed to speak my mind, no matter that I was just the bodyguard.

Theo just gave me a strange look, before taking a sip of his drink. I was already thinking he would remain silent now but then he spoke up again. “I get that it must look like this to you. But you know Adam, you can also be lonely whilst being surrounded by people. Maybe this kind of loneliness is even worse…” He sounded bitter but in the next moment the smile was already back on his face. “Don’t get me wrong, I really don’t want to complain. I’m grateful for everything I have and most of the time I’m really enjoying my life. I like partying, getting lost in the night, meeting new people… but at the end of the day they are still strangers. There’s also a part of me that craves a deeper connection with someone, something meaningful. Just like anyone else, I guess…”

I was looking at him stunned. I hadn’t expected something like that. “I have to admit you’re surprising me a bit here,” I chuckled. “I always thought… I don’t know… the life you lead is everything you could wish for. I guess once you get used to this lifestyle it’s hard to give it up…”

Theo shrugged. “Well, for the right person… I always say in interviews that true love conquers it all and it might be cheesy but I actually believe in those words.” 

He looked shy all of a sudden, hiding his eyes from me. I even thought I could see a little blush on his cheeks. He looked beautiful in that dim light of the bar. Wait, what? Where did this come from? ‘Beautiful‘ wasn’t the word I would usually use to describe a man. When I noticed I had just been staring at him, while the silence stretched out for a little too long, I quickly cleared my throat and said the first thing that came to my mind.

“No, I don’t think it’s cheesy at all. It’s um… it’s a beautiful thought actually.“ 

Theo looked at me again, a small smile on his lips. He didn’t say anything for a while but he didn’t avert his gaze either. The way he looked at me shouldn’t have made my hands sweaty but it did. I couldn’t explain why I was reacting that way but somehow I couldn’t escape the moment either. I would have probably just kept staring into the whisky-brown colour of his eyes, if it wasn’t for him to go on with the conversation.

“Well, Adam you must know it first hand… Aren’t you in a long-term relationship?“  

“Um yeah, that’s right. Katie and I have been together for about ten years.” I somehow didn’t want to talk about my relationship. Not now. Or to be honest not at all.

“And… still happy?” Theo asked, oblivious to my inner turmoil. 

“Well yeah… I guess?” I made it sound like a question and wanted to kick my ass as soon as it was out of my mouth.

“Wow, sounds really convincing…” Theo gave back, cocking an eyebrow.

I sighed. I didn’t know if I should tell him how I really felt about my relationship. But since Theo had opened up to me before I decided to do the same.

“To be honest, the situation is rather difficult at the moment… or actually has been for a while now. It’s just not the way it used to be and… I don’t know what I feel anymore…”

Theo had listened to me attentively. “Ten years is a long time…” he said thoughtfully. “I can understand that you want to hold on to it, but sometimes there’s a point in life when you have to move forward. Just because it had been good at one point, it doesn’t mean it has to be for the rest of your life.”

“You think I should leave her?”

“No, that’s not what I wanted to say. How could I even give you such an advice? I don’t know anything about your relationship. I’m just sharing some general thoughts…” Theo made a small pause and then started playing with the rim of his glass, letting his finger slide up and down. “You know, when I became famous I wanted to hold on to my old life as long as I could but also embrace my new life of course. I constantly tried to balance both until I noticed that there wasn’t something like an old life anymore. I had to live in the moment and accept that my world has changed. And that’s what I meant. Sometimes we want to hold to things that don’t even exist anymore.”

I noticed that I was really interested in what he had to say. I practically hang on his every word. “Yeah I can see what you mean. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I guess I still have to figure things out. I also wanted to use the time away from her to see clearer afterwards.”

“You took this job as an escape?” Theo was looking at me surprised.

“No, not in the first place…” I wanted to make that clear. “But it was also part of the decision, yes.”

Theo started grinning at my confession. “And how is it so far… down the rabbit hole, away from all you know…?” he asked, leaning towards me as if he was about learn a secret. 

“I can’t complain…” I gave back, unsure where he wanted to go with that, but holding his gaze nonetheless. 

Theo let out a soft chuckle. By now he was so close I could even feel his breath wash over my face. It gave me some shivers, another reaction of my body I couldn’t really explain.  
“Maybe you should enjoy yourself a bit, Adam… You know, what happens on tour stays on tour…” He leaned back again, giving me a wink.

Now I had to chuckle myself, shaking my head. “What a great advice to save a relationship. Hooking up with some random girls...”

“Well, the question is IF you want to save it…” Theo gave back cheekily and I somehow couldn’t get rid of the feeling he was one step ahead of me.

“Let’s not just talk about me. Speaking of hooking up, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about for a while now actually…”

“Oh, now I’m curious…” Theo gave me a mischievous glance. 

I rolled my eyes. “I’m serious about that, Theo. I know it’s your personal matter, but in my opinion it’s quite reckless to take complete strangers to your hotel rooms in the current situation. We know nothing about this stalker of yours. What if it’s him or her one day?“ 

Theo was looking at me with disbelieve. “So, are you suggesting I shouldn’t have sex anymore? Adam please, as much as I respect your job as my bodyguard, but don’t you think this is going a bit too far now?”

“I didn’t say you shouldn’t have sex anymore. It’s just dangerous at the moment to have such encounters with strangers…” I already regretted that I had brought this up, but regarding Theo’s safety this habit of his really didn’t sit well with me.

“And with whom should I have sex instead if strangers are out of question?” There was amusement on his face, while he was leaning over to me again. “Maybe you wanna fulfill this part then?”

I knew he was making fun of me, but still I felt my face getting hot at his words. And of course I couldn’t think of a good answer to return to him. That’s why I just mumbled a “I was actually serious about that matter, Theo…”

He let out a breathy laugh and then got up from his chair, putting a bill on the counter. At my questioning look he just stated: “It’s late, you should go to bed as well.”  
Then he stopped right next to me, whispering into my ear: “Maybe I was serious about that matter as well… Good night, Adam.”

And with those words he made his way over to the elevators, leaving me back dumbfounded.


	4. Closer

Looking back to my time on tour with Theo I think that evening at the hotel bar in Finland was some kind of a turning point between us. Actually nothing had changed but somehow nothing was the same either. It was a weird sort of tension between us and I didn’t know what it meant. I couldn’t help but think about the things he said to me that night at the bar. Over and over again. I told myself that it was nothing. Theo just wanted to have his fun with me, break through my reserve a little bit. But on the other hand I knew that he liked guys as well, so what if he was actually offering something for real? 

It annoyed me why I was even thinking about it. Theo might be bi, but I was definitely not and besides, I was still in a relationship, even though at that moment I didn't know which path to take with it. So, the logical consequence was to just concentrate on my professional relationship to Theo, but the way he looked at me sometimes… It haunted me, even in my dreams. I couldn’t understand what was happening, why he made me feel this way. I figured it was because practically my whole life was currently dedicated to him. Theo’s life mattered more than anything else, it was my job to protect him at all costs. I was constantly by his side. It was only natural that the circumstances brought us close, wasn’t it?

As the tour went on there was one incident that occurred during a concert. It was one of the biggest crowds Theo had ever played at his own concert. The energy was fantastic, everyone had a great time. Theo was absolutely outstanding, eating up everything he got from the audience and gave it back to them on the same run. At one point he decided that it would be cool if he let himself be carried by the crowd as some kind of stage diving. He had never done that before and of course everything went wild. The people grabbed him greedily and he was quickly manoeuvred into the middle of the audience. I was immediately alarmed and cursed internally at Theo. What was he even thinking? He couldn’t do such a thing without talking about it to me beforehand. Apparently he just didn’t want to understand in what kind of danger he brought himself with his actions. I reacted as fast as possible, pushed my way through the squirming crowd towards Theo. I told Stephen via radio that he should do the same, approaching from the other side. The situation soon started to get out of control. The people were almost aggressively pulling at Theo. No one wanted to let him go and he was stuck in the middle of the masses. I even lost sight of him for a short moment. The adrenalin was washing through my body as I rudely pushed everyone aside. When I had almost reached my goal, I could see his face again. Fear and panic was written all over it as he desperately tried to make his way out. The next moment I was by his side, immediately taking hold of him. When he saw it was me, relief could be seen in his eyes and he wrapped his arms tightly around me. Luckily Stephen had reached us as well, so he cleared our way while I practically carried Theo into the safety of the backstage area.

He was shaking all over when I carefully made him sit down on one of the couches. He even had a scratch on his cheek and his shirt was ripped apart between arm and chest. I wanted to scream at him and shake him, but I held myself back. Instead I placed a glass of water in front of him and set down next to him in silence.

“Thanks,” he mumbled, not meeting my eyes.

Meanwhile someone of the crew stuck his head in and wanted to know if he should inform the audience that the gig was over.

“Yes, please do that,” I answered determined. “Theo is in no condition to continue with the concert.”

“But...” Theo tried to interfere. 

“No, for fuck’s sake!” I interrupted him harshly. “Theo, what the hell have you been thinking? Don’t ever do this again!”

“Not so much actually…” he gave back meekly. “The energy of the crowd was just so amazing and everything was great and I just got carried away I guess… I didn’t expect it to turn out like that… I’m sorry, Adam.” His eyes were cast downwards and he reminded me of a little boy who was scolded for his bad behaviour. 

I felt my anger vanish and all I felt was relief that nothing bad had happened to Theo. Without thinking I took him into my arms, holding on to him tightly. He immediately squeezed back just as much. 

“I’m so glad you were there to save me from that situation,” he mumbled into my ear.

“Yeah, that’s my job…” I countered, while stroking calmingly over his back.

Theo drew back a bit, to look me in the eyes. “I know, but still… It’s good to have you here with me, not just as my bodyguard,” he said softly, before leaning close again to press a chaste kiss onto my cheek.

At that I was at a loss of words. I could feel my skin prickle where it had been in contact with his lips and my heart had immediately sped up. The intense look he sent me afterwards made it even worse. And there it was again. This tension between us, I didn’t really know how to react to. 

That’s why I quickly averted my gaze, clearing my voice. “Please… just promise me Theo, to never do something like that again. I need to keep you safe.”

“I promise. I won’t,“ he whispered, squeezing my hand in the next moment. I didn’t know how to interpret his touches. It felt almost too intimate but at the same time I didn’t want him to stop. Anyway, our moment of closeness came to an end when Theo’s band members entered the room to check if Theo was doing okay.

We left the location shortly after that and despite of everything that happened that day Theo insisted to go to that club he had picked out for the afterparty. ‘He sure as hell is searching for an outlet, a distraction from everything,’ I thought to myself and I could well imagine what kind of distraction this would be, which made me somehow feel bitter for no apparent reason. I told myself it was just because of my own sexual frustration that I did no longer want to see Theo pick up girls or boys for all I cared.

After we had arrived at the club I was actually surprised that Theo didn't seem to go on the hunt right away. Instead he stayed with me and the rest of the gang. It turned out to be a really fun evening. I even allowed myself a drink but when Theo wanted us to drink more, I declined. I told him that I wanted to have a clear head while being out in public because we never knew if something would happen.

“You make me feel safe, Adam...” he whispered into my ear, before emptying his next shot.  
As always I didn't know what to say in such situations but I couldn't deny that his praise made me feel good and also a bit proud. That's why I just smiled at him dumbly.

I don't know how it happened but at one point I even found myself on the dancefloor with Theo. I never did that! In the past Katie had often tried to convince me to dance with her, but it had always been out of question. I wasn't a dancer, like not at all. But Theo could do this to me. He threw one of his breathtaking smiles at me and I just couldn't say no to him. That's why I was moving in between all those sweaty people, probably looking like an idiot. But I somehow didn't mind making a fool out of myself when Theo was there right with me, swaying his hips and just looking so happy. A wave of gratitude came over me. I was grateful that Theo let me into his world. It wasn't just a job anymore. It was a whole new life I got to live. He made me feel young again. He made me feel alive. When Theo put his hand into my neck to pull me closer, I let him. I could feel the heat radiating from his body and I did my best to match his rhythm. 

“Theo, I need a break...” I shouted over the loud music some time later and made my way to the restrooms. I felt sweaty and a bit exhausted but nonetheless there was a smile on my face. It felt so good to just let myself go a little.

I was just about to leave one of the stalls when I suddenly came face to face with Theo. Had he been waiting for me? But before I got the chance to ask what he was doing here, he pushed me back into the stall, closing the door behind us. 

“Theo, what...?” I got out, before he was pressing his lips firmly against mine. His hands were all over me a second later. I was completely taken by surprise, my brain empty all of a sudden. I didn't really respond to him, nor did I push him away. Only when I felt him press his thigh against my crotch and his fingers work on the buttons of my shirt, some of my brain activity seemed to kick in again. 

I took hold of his shoulders, pushing him back. “What the hell are you doing??” I was staring at him. Shocked. I never thought something like that could happen for real. This was wrong on so many levels. 

He looked back at me, his pupils dilated, his gaze wild. “What does it look like to you?” he asked, panting a bit. 

“Theo... I can't... we can't... This is...” I wasn't able to form a coherent sentence.

“Oh come on, Adam... I know you want that,” Theo slurred, getting closer again. “I know you want to fuck me, I'd let you...”

“Theo!” I started to panic. His words were doing strange things to my body and I was afraid to lose control. I needed to escape this situation as quickly as possible. “You're drunk, Theo. You don't know what you're saying. Let's just go back to the hotel and pretend that this never happened, yes? Can we do that?” My voice had taken on a pleading tone now, but I couldn't help it.

Theo huffed and took a step back. He looked disappointed or even hurt. He clearly wasn't used to rejection. “Okay... then go back to the hotel or even better go back to your boring life!” he spit out. “And now please excuse me, I actually want to get something out of this night...” And with those words he was out of the toilet stall. 

My first instinct was to go after him but then I decided otherwise. What else was there to say? I couldn't have fixed the situation now anyway. Not with Theo's state of inebriation and the amount of confusion in my own head. I let myself sink against the wall, feeling weak all of a sudden. I knew I had just narrowly escaped a disaster but I couldn't feel relief. For a crazy moment I even asked myself if I would feel better now if I had taken Theo's offer. God, I couldn't be serious! I was actually standing there in a dirty toilet stall thinking about sex with a man - the man I was working for, to be more precise – while my girlfriend was sitting at home, probably missing me. I let out a sound of frustration, hitting my hand against the wall. So hard, I was sure there would be bruises the next day. I waited some more minutes, breathing in and out, trying to get at least some of my composure back. After all, I couldn't hide in there forever. 

When I was stepping back out into the club, I could make out Paul and Lael at the bar, talking to some girls. Theo wasn't with them. I let my eyes roam around, searching for Theo, but there was no sight of him. I walked a bit further into the direction of the exit and that was when I spotted him, making out with a guy. 'Wow that was quick, he really didn't waste any time' I thought to myself and couldn't stop the feeling of jealousy washing over me. That could actually have been me in the guy's place. I shook my head, it wasn't right to think like that. While I was still standing there, Theo suddenly caught my eye. He gave me a wink before he indulged into another passionate kiss with the man next to him. I felt my stomach turn and made my way over to the other side of the club. I really couldn't stand seeing the scene in front of me anymore. Theo's provocation hurt more than it should have.

After a while Paul came over to me to inform me that Theo had left and apparently gone to that guy's home.

“He did what? Why didn't you prevent him from leaving? Christ, this is dangerous! I need to know where he is. I'm his fucking bodyguard!” I was close to losing my shit. 

“Adam, don't you think I've tried? You know how stubborn he can be... and above all he was totally pissed,” Paul said, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“I shouldn't have let him out of my sight,” I muttered. 

“Adam... don't blame yourself. It's not your fault. You're not his babysitter. Theo needs to cooperate as well. Otherwise it doesn't work. I actually thought he had understood that, especially after the thing at the concert tonight.”

'Yeah, that was before I rejected him' I thought to myself and could only hope that nothing would happen to him. I knew what was going on at the moment was totally unprofessional and I would never be able to forgive myself if Theo got harmed just because of our private issues.


	5. Wrong, but feels so right

_I felt myself being pressed against a cool surface. The contrast to my heated skin sent shivers down my spine. I didn't really know where I was. The light was too bright and I could hear muffled sounds and a pounding bass somewhere in the distance. But I was somehow in a haze, everything seemed far away except for the hot body pressed up to me. Nothing else mattered but those lips against my own, those hands roaming over my chest, that thigh rubbing against my groin. Suddenly all my clothes were gone. When did that happen? I didn't care. The other person was still there, devouring my mouth. I felt like there wasn't enough air. I needed to breathe. And I needed to see the face of the person I was with. I drew back and my lover sank down in front of me. Suddenly I could feel my cock being surrounded by a wet heat and I moaned. I looked down. I wanted to see what I could feel so clearly. I held my breath, when two whisky-brown eyes stared back at me._

In the next moment I woke up with a jolt, breathing heavily, sweat prickling on my skin. At first I didn't know where I was. It took me a few moments to realize that I was in my hotel room and another minute to comprehend that the happenings from the club had swept into my dream.

“Holy shit,” I muttered and buried my face into my hands. I was rock-hard and that had probably been the most vivid sexual dream since my teenage years. But my lust was killed as soon as I remembered that in reality things had developed slightly different than in my dream. I wasn't the one Theo had sex with tonight and I still hadn't heard from him since he had left with that stranger.

I had been lying awake for a long time, worrying, thinking about the things that had happened and hoping that Theo would return soon, so that we could talk about everything. At one point I must have drifted into sleep until that... dream had ended my slumber abruptly. A look at my phone told me that it was half past 7 in the morning. No messages. I sighed and decided to get up and take a shower. There was no way I could go back to sleep again with all those thoughts confusing my head.

When I got out of the shower I just spent some time sitting there, staring into nothingness. I was still feeling tired and kinda miserable. My head was a mess. When I took that job, I knew it wouldn’t be easy but this kind of emotional chaos sure as hell wasn’t what I had expected. Nothing could have prepared me for him. Funny, weird, energetic, beautiful Theo. I shook myself out of the reverie. Those thoughts were wrong. The direction we were taking was wrong. It needed to stop and first of all I needed to know where Theo was and that he was alright.

As if some higher power had heard my pleas, I got a phone call by one of our security guys the next moment. He informed me that Theo had returned to the hotel and that he seemed okay except for a hangover. At first I just felt relieved. I could have never forgiven myself if something would have happened to Theo. But soon after my relief was replaced by a feeling of anger. I felt angry at Theo because of his reckless behaviour. He brought himself in danger without necessity and what was he even thinking when he came after me in that club? That he could just seduce me like that in a dirty toilet stall, just like one of his cheap fucks? He knew exactly that I wasn’t into men and that I was in a long-term relationship. He was acting rude and disrespectful. Yes, he was. But what truly bothered me the most was how his actions made me feel. How he didn’t leave me indifferent, no matter how much I wanted to believe the opposite.

It wasn’t before late afternoon when we finally left the hotel to travel to the next city. Everyone of the crew was already gathered in front of the hotel, ready to get on the bus. Only the superstar himself was still missing.

“Well, poor boy had a rough night. Everything might take a bit longer today…” Paul was cackling next to me with Lael. I just pressed my lips together, making myself busy with my phone. One missed call from Katie. I immediately felt bad. How many days had it been since I last called her? I couldn’t really tell. The hectic tour life took all of me. I chose to rather not consider the possibility that this might not have been the only reason for my reluctance to talk to her.

“Ohh, the lost son!” I suddenly heard Paul shouting out. When I looked up I saw Theo coming out of the hotel. He was dressed all black, wearing sunglasses, even though the weather was grey and dull.

“Shut up!” he flipped Paul off while approaching the bus. He didn’t say a word to me or show any sign that he had even registered my presence. Since he was hiding his eyes it was hard to get any kind of connection to him. Theo immediately went for the back of the bus, which normally meant he didn’t want to be disturbed. It was an unwritten rule that everyone followed nonetheless. I knew I still had to talk to him, but we couldn’t have done it on the bus anyway. I had to wait until we arrived on our next destination. So I just sat down in one corner of the bus alone, took my phone and dialled Katie’s number…

*

Hours later we had finally arrived in the next city. Since it was already close to midnight everyone decided to retreat to their hotel rooms right away. The day after was another gig and probably another party to attend. I just put my luggage into my room and then didn't want to waste anymore time to have my conversation with Theo. Tomorrow would be another hectic day and I needed to take the chance to talk to him now. We still hadn't exchanged a word the whole day and the situation really got on my nerves. Determined, I left my room and made my way over to Theo's at the end of the corridor. When I was standing in front of his door I felt a nervous flutter in my stomach and I internally rolled my eyes at myself. 'You're not twelve anymore. You are able to deal with situations like that!' I encouraged myself and finally knocked on the door.

It didn't take long for Theo to open it and he didn't even seem surprised to see me standing there.

“Hey...” he said and stepped aside to let me in. I noticed that he had changed clothes to something more comfortable. He wore grey sweat pants and a black pullover that looked very fluffy. I realized that I had never really seen him wearing anything else but fancy clothes but he could wear whatever he wanted, he always looked stunning. Wait, what was I thinking? I shouldn't care so much for his appearance. I shouldn't even notice those things in the first place. I looked up at his face again, but when our eyes met, some pictures of my dream immediately popped up in my head. Shit! I had been so busy forgetting about it, but apparently it hadn't worked.

I tore my gaze away from him, mumbled a “hey” in return and looked around in the room to distract myself. I saw a glass of whiskey sitting on the table and immediately asked myself if he couldn't even for one evening stay away from alcohol. Theo had seen my gaze linger on the glass and asked me if I wanted a drink, too.

“No...” I said “... and maybe you shouldn't drink so much as well.” It wasn't actually how I intended to start a conversation but it somehow just slipped from my mouth.

Theo huffed. “Oh come on Adam, stop behaving like my mom. You being my bodyguard doesn't give you the right to dictate my life!”

“That was never my intention!” I gave back, locking eyes with him again. “But I'm not just talking to you as your bodyguard now. The amount of alcohol you're consuming on a daily basis gives me reason to worry actually and we both know where this lead to yesterday. You lost control...”

“Well, drinking comes with the job I guess...” Theo said nonchalantly, shrugging his shoulders. “But I figure that's not the reason you are here. You want to talk about what happened in the club yesterday and there I have to disappoint you. I know, alcohol would be the easiest excuse but I didn't come after you just because I was drunk. Drunk or sober, it doesn't make a difference. I want you the same.”

I was standing there with my mouth open for a moment. I hadn't expected him to be so straight-forward. I hadn't expected him to say something like that at all in the first place! And the calm and serene way he was telling me that he wanted me, somehow pissed me off. He acted as if everything was easy and if it was no big deal and maybe he was right, but for me it felt like my world was lifted of its hinges and there was nothing I could do to prevent this from happening.

I took a calming breath, composing myself. I couldn't let this situation get the better of me. Okay, it was unusual and new to me to be wanted by another man. But it wasn't the end of the world. I just had to make it clear to him that there won't be anything but a professional relationship between us.

What came out of my mouth was something different, though: “I see. You want me so much, that you threw yourself at the next best guy you could find in that damn club?” It sounded accusing and I internally winced at my own words. What the hell was I saying? This whole conversation went totally into the wrong direction.

“Wow, are you jealous now?” Theo asked, laughing sarcastically. “You had your chance, Adam and you didn't want it. So, don't expect me to spend the whole night pining over you!”

“That's not the point!” I was raising my voice now. The fact that Theo might be right was getting to me, but I just couldn't admit that. “I don't give a fuck with whom you spend your nights. I'm angry because you broke the rules. Again. The deal is that I'm by your side, whenever we're out in public and what did you do? You just disappeared without saying a word. I can't protect you like that!”

“Jesus Adam, stop playing the drama queen! It was clear that this guy wasn't a killer. He was way too drunk himself... Wanna know what I think? You are searching for reasons to be mad at me but the one thing that bothers you most is, that this guy got something you want, but were too afraid to take.”

Theo stood there with his arms crossed in front of his chest, looking at me in a challenging manner and with a self-satisfied grin plastered all over his face. I wanted to punch him in said face, wipe away his fucking arrogance.

“You think you are irresistible, don't you?” I spat out. “Sorry, if I have to destroy your illusions, but I don't want anything from you! I'm not into men for fuck's sake!”

I was really close to losing my temper completely and I just wanted to get away from him. When I was about to storm towards the door, however, he got into my way and grabbed my arm.

“Adam... don't go. Not like that.” His smug façade began to break and the intensity of his look hit me hard. Only seconds ago I wanted nothing more than to put distance between us and now I felt like I needed to be close to him as much as I needed the air to breathe. Time stood still and all I could concentrate on was his mouth and his tongue that flicked out to wet his dry lips and that was when I lost it.

I fisted Theo's pullover and pushed him roughly against the next wall, beating the breath out of him. The next moment I was all over him, attacking his mouth as if I had waited all my life to just do that. Theo didn't miss a beat. He kissed me back with the same force, his hands having a tight hold on my shoulders. He grunted as I licked my way into his mouth, playing with his tongue. The sounds he was making just spurred me on. I pushed my thigh between his legs and loosened my grip on his sweater. Instead I let my hands slide down to the seem of it so that I could pull it over his head. Therefore we had to part for a moment and I could fill my lungs with much needed oxygen. I felt Theo's hot breath wash over my face. He was panting heavily while he was eager to open my shirt and strip me as well. When the shirt was gone he didn't hesitate and let his hands wander down over my chest to the seem of my trousers. His slender fingers were immediately busy with opening my belt buckle. He looked so impatient and I suddenly began to feel a bit overwhelmed by the whole situation. Even though I had been the one who initiated it, everything was going a bit too fast now for my liking. I didn't even know what I was doing and what he expected from me and that's why I stopped Theo by placing my hands over his. He looked up to me, his cheeks flushed, his lips swollen and his eyes so beautiful and yet I could see uncertainty in them.

“You want me to stop?” he asked in a slightly husky voice that went directly into my groin.

I had to swallow first, because my throat felt incredibly dry all of a sudden. “Yes... No... It's just I want us to slow down a bit. As you might have figured out by now, I have never... been with a guy and I just feel a little lost to be honest.” I bit my lip. It's never easy to let your guard down in front of someone.

Theo smiled at me, probably relieved that I hadn't changed my mind, and let his hands slide carefully over my naked chest. He lowered his head and placed some kisses there, too before he looked me in the eyes again. “It's okay... don't worry too much. Just do what feels good and right.”

I nodded and he took my hand to lead me over to the bed. We let ourselves fall onto the soft mattress and started kissing again, our hands exploring and caressing each others' bodies. It was sweet and tender, nothing like the hungry and almost painful kisses we had shared before.

When Theo put his hands on my belt the second time, I didn't stop him. Instead I pulled down his sweat pants and we undressed until we were completely naked. I moaned when I felt him on top of me with nothing separating us. In that moment I wanted him so much it was nearly killing me. I rolled us over so that I was on top of him and Theo immediately pulled me down into another passionate kiss. I started moving my hips as I desperately needed some friction and Theo met me half way, thrusting up while he threw his head back, moaning loudly. I was so turned on, I was sure I could get off just like that. Theo seemed to have other plans, though. He stopped me from moving by placing his hand on my hip and the next moment he pushed me gently aside so that he could get up. I watched him as he walked over to his suitcase, taking out condoms and a bottle of lube.  
I gulped. Was I really ready for this? If my mind had doubts, my body sure as hell had not and so I welcomed Theo back on the bed by pulling him impatiently into my arms and kissing him breathless.

“You want this?” Theo asked, whispering into my ear. I felt a shiver run down my spine, caused only by the sound of his voice and there was nothing left to say than “Yes”.

With a bit of instruction I managed to prepare Theo for what was about to come. It was strange and new and a bit nerve-wracking, but mostly it was exciting and beautiful to watch Theo responding to my every touch. When we both couldn't hold back any longer I put the condom over my length and pushed in. Slowly, very slowly. I watched his face carefully for any signs that I was hurting him. I felt Theo dig his nails into my back and at the same time he clamped down on me which brought me close to losing my mind.

“Adam, please... Move faster. I can take it!” he croaked out and I finally let myself go a bit. My body was burning. It was the sweetest torture and I knew I wouldn't last long. When Theo started touching himself I pushed his hand away and replaced it with mine. I figured it couldn't be so wrong to just do the things to him I liked doing to myself and regarding his moans and his blissed-out face, he seemed to approve. It took another few strokes and some sharp thrusts of my hips in the right angle to make him spill himself between our bodies. Watching him reach his climax was enough to make me cross the line as well.

I slammed down on the mattress next to Theo totally exhausted. It took us some time to catch our breath and even though I would have loved to fall asleep right then and there, I got out of the bed a bit reluctantly and fetched something to clean away the biggest mess. Theo was watching me sleepily, barely able to suppress a yawn. He seemed content and relaxed and I wished I could have said the same for myself. But now that it was over I felt some sort of panic rise in my chest. How could I let this happen? It was all wrong!

I didn't know what to say and felt the urge to just run away, away from this room, away from Theo and my problems. But I couldn't just leave him like that, not after we... it would have been an asshole-move.

“Adam, I can almost hear your brain working. Please, just don't overthink now. Come back to bed and let's try to get some sleep. We can talk tomorrow if you need to.” Theo patted the side of the bed next to him, looking at me expectantly.

I debated with myself for another few seconds before I finally gave in and made myself comfortable on the bed. Even though I didn't like to admit it, Theo was right. There was no use talking about it now and we both needed to sleep.

“See, it wasn't that difficult, was it?” Theo smiled at me, caressing his fingertips over my arm. I didn't reply but my body reacted immediately to his touch, letting goosebumps appear everywhere. Theo's smile widened before he switched off the light and scooted closer to me in the dark.

“Good night Adam,” he whispered, pressing a chaste kiss to the corner of my mouth.

I smiled involuntarily and gave back a “Good night Theo,” already feeling the tiredness take over. I was glad that my mind seemed to shut up for once and I just welcomed the darkness surrounding me and the feeling of a warm body next to mine.


	6. Resistance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know you are curious about how the story continues but I'm at least as curious what you think about it. :D

When I woke up the next morning I felt immediately alerted even before my brain could tell me if something was wrong. When I opened my eyes the next moment I knew the reason for it, though and all the memories of last night came rushing back to me. I was lying on my side with Theo snuggled against my chest, his breathing even. He looked peaceful. 

For some reasons I could hardly bear the closeness now. What have I done? I was a cheater! A little piece of shit who cheated on the woman he spent so many years of his life with. And if that wasn't bad enough I had slept with a man! And it had felt so damn good. No, wrong thought! It was a terrible mistake, totally unprofessional. I worked for Theo, I was responsible for his safety and I needed a clear head while doing my job. Any sort of personal relationship would only make it more difficult to focus.

I knew it all and yet here I was in bed with him as if there was nothing wrong about it. Jesus, what was he doing to me? How could I lose control like that? I couldn't even blame alcohol or something... not that it would have made anything better. I felt disgusted with myself and I needed to take a shower, wash his scent off me. And I needed to think about what I would do now but I couldn't do that with a naked Theo next to me, literally clinging to my body.

I very slowly and carefully scooted away from him. Fortunately Theo seemed to sleep deep enough to not notice me slipping out of the bed. I really didn't want to talk to him now, I needed to clear my head first. Silently I put my clothes back on and tiptoed over to the door. Handle in hand I couldn't resist to turn my head back and give Theo one last glance. He looked so innocent and unguarded, it made something in my chest sting. I would probably never get to see him like that again and it made me sad, even though it shouldn't. I shook my head, finally tore my gaze away from him and left the room. 

*

It was about two hours later when I heard a knock on my door. In the meantime I had made myself presentable again and also thought things through, totally rationally of course. When I answered the door, it was Theo standing there. He was back to his usual self as well with an elegant suit and his hair neatly combed back and gelled to perfection.

“You were gone, when I woke up...” he said, while entering the room. There was no accuse, he kept his tone neutral. 

“I'm sorry...” I gave back, feeling a bit guilty nevertheless. “I just needed to be alone so that I could think about everything.”

“Before you tell me about your conclusion I just want you to know, that I really enjoyed last night,” Theo said with a velvety voice, smiling a bit while looking straight into my eyes.  
I gulped. He was a flirt and a damn sexy one.

“I liked it, too. Very much.” I had to at least admit that. “But it will never happen again.”

I saw a hint of disappointment in Theo's eyes but he recovered quickly. “But that would be a pity, wouldn't it? I think we could have lots of fun together,” he purred. 

“No we can't!” I threw at him. “I don't think you understand this whole situation. You don't get what's at stake!”

“It's because of your girlfriend...”

“No! That's my … personal problem, none of your business. It's about me doing my job. Getting involved with a client is an absolute no-go!” I still couldn't believe I let it come this far. 

“Adam... don't you think you are exaggerating a bit? You are doing a very good job as my bodyguard. What does it matter if you share my bed from time to time. At least I'm safe with you,” Theo chuckled, clearly not taking me seriously. 

“God dammit, Theo! I can't do that! It's better you hire a new bodyguard. I quit the job.” There I said it. It hadn't been an easy decision but in that moment I was convinced it was for the best. Or maybe I was just a coward who wanted to take the easiest way out and that was escape.

Theo just stared at me wide-eyed. He clearly hadn't been expecting this. He looked genuinely shocked. 

“I'm sorry Theo... I know I failed. I never wanted for us to get this close. I should have kept a professional distance,” I whispered, feeling defeated. When Theo still didn't say a word, I continued: “Don't worry I can recommend you a bodyguard, of whom I know will do a brilliant job. You will be in good hands and...”

“No!” Theo suddenly burst out. “I don't want a new bodyguard. We are used to each other, you know me. No one can protect me like you!”

I hadn't expected such a strong reaction from him. I hadn't expected for him to care so much. “Theo... you will get along with another bodyguard as well. Believe me it's the best for everyone.”

“No, you don't understand that. I trust you, Adam. I trust you with my life. Please don't leave me. I... I need you!” Theo was standing there with pleading eyes. So honest and vulnerable it hurt. 

He broke down all my defences and when I took him into my arms, I just acted on pure instinct. We stood close for a whole while. It felt good to just hold him and when we parted I knew that I couldn't leave him. Taking this job was like making a promise to keep him safe no matter what and I was a man of my word.

“Okay, you're right. I was probably overreacting. I will stay, but please understand, that we can't repeat last night,” I said, forcing myself to hold his gaze.

He nodded, relieved that I had revised my decision. “We'll be fine Adam. You'll see.”

It was my turn to nod, even though I didn't really know what he meant with his comment. I could only hope he had gotten my point. But at least for now everything was said and we were running out of time anyway. Thus I informed Theo that we needed to leave for his soundcheck now and together we left the hotel and headed for the venue.

*

In the evening everything went according to plan. The show was great, Theo at his best and the audience full of passion and energy, but peaceful. Theo and his band members were congratulating each other for another successful show with approving pats on the back while making their way to the shower room. Meanwhile I was discussing the following day with my security team. At least there wouldn't be a party to attend tonight since it was a night on the bus and we would be leaving the city as soon as everyone was ready here. 

When the guys had finished they all made themselves comfortable in one of the backstage rooms sharing a drink before heading to the bus later. For a moment I thought about joining them but then I decided to take a shower as well. There was still time and I preferred showering in the venues instead of the bus where everything was small. I took my time, enjoying the hot water, letting my thoughts drift a bit. They constantly made a turn to Theo and the night we spent together. I tried to suppress the memories but it didn't work. I would probably never be able to get over the way he had made me feel but I had to. And I also needed to think about what that meant for my future with Katie. I sighed before I turned the shower off, wrapped a towel around my waist and made my way into the dressing room. 

Despite of everything that was going on in my mind, I felt quite relaxed after the long shower until I saw Theo sitting on the couch, staring at me. 

“What are you doing here? I thought you were having a drink with the guys?” I felt myself getting nervous and I somehow felt exposed standing here half naked in front of a fully clothed Theo but of course I didn't want to show it to him. 

Theo just shrugged. “Their conversation wasn't interesting to me,” he said as if this would explain everything.

“And that's why you were waiting for me to get out of the shower?” I asked, crossing my arms in front of my chest.

“Yeah, why not?” Theo replied unfazed. “I guess you're more fun than them.”

“Hardly,” I gave back, keeping my cool as well. “I actually just wanted to get myself ready here in peace.”

“Yeah, go ahead.” There was a little smirk on his lips and it was enough to make my heartbeat speed up a bit. I didn't know about his intentions but I decided to just ignore him as best as I could, while going through my routine. 

I began drying my hair with a second towel and then combed it in place. I felt Theo's eyes on me all the time even though I was standing with my back towards him. It annoyed me but somehow made me feel special at the same time. A confusing mixture. Like everything concerning Theo. 

“How did you like the show tonight, Adam?” Theo's voice shook me out of my thoughts.

“It was good because the people were behaving and you didn't jump into the crowd,” I stated dryly, while working some wax into my hair, very well aware that this was probably not the answer Theo wanted to hear. 

“I was actually talking about my singing and performance,” he was pouting a bit behind me. 

“Theo... I'm not there to watch YOU but to have an eye on the audience,” I said with a little chuckle, feeling like I was explaining something to a kid. 

“I know,” he sighed a bit over-dramatically. “But you aren't looking at me now either.”

“Oh Theo, stop being annoying. I told you I need to get ready...” I said, well knowing that this wasn't a serious conversation.

I heard a breathy laugh coming from Theo and then suddenly he was standing behind me, locking eyes with me in the mirror. 

“I want you to know that I love looking at you, though. You've got a sexy body, Adam,” he whispered next to my ear and I couldn't stop the goosebumps from spreading out over my neck. I just kept staring at him through the mirror, not really knowing how to handle the situation. 

“I love your muscular chest and your sixpack,” Theo purred, letting his fingertips roam over the mentioned body parts. 

“Theo, stop it!” I hissed, grabbing his hands and pushing them away. “We had an agreement!”

“Yes, but I don't care... I hardly play by the rules.” He stepped even closer, his clothed chest now pressed against my back. He placed his hands on my arms and started pressing some feather light kisses to my neck. 

I wanted to shake his hands off, turn around and push him away, telling him that he's definitely crossing the line here but I didn't do any of these things. Instead I kept staring into the mirror, watching in awe how he was caressing my skin. It looked good and felt even better. A small moan escaped my mouth when he softly bit down between my neck and shoulder and I could see a satisfied smile appear on his face. 

“I hate you, Theo,” I said a little hoarsely, knowing there was no use in showing a resistance I actually didn't have in me. 

Theo took it as the sign of me surrendering and the permission for him to do as he pleased. The next moment he took hold of my towel and pulled it off my hips. I let out a surprised sound before it turned into a groan when Theo was palming me from behind. I let my head fall back against his shoulder, enjoying the sudden feeling of pleasure shooting through my system. He gave my length a few strokes and I gripped the edge of the furniture in front of me tightly. I bit my lips to keep in the sounds that threatened to tumble out of my mouth, when a sudden thought crossed my mind.

“Did you even lock the door?”

Theo's hand on my cock was gone the next moment and he sank down to his knees behind me. “No, where would be the fun in that?” he asked amused, biting my ass cheek afterwards. 

“Fuck Theo, what the hell?!” I groaned out, aroused and horrified at the same time.

“Relax Adam, the guys are busy with drinking anyway...” Theo stated before turning me around so that I was finally facing him... or rather my dick was facing him.

When I felt his hot and wet mouth around my length I really couldn't bother anymore with my fear of getting caught. I let my head loll back and concentrated on breathing in and out. My hands found their way into Theo's hair, pulling lightly. I tried my best to not push too much since I didn't want to choke him, but the closer he brought me to my climax the more difficult it became to keep my hips from snatching forward. I watched in amazement how deep he could take me in and the sight that was offered to me was the last straw to make me come down his throat.

“Jesus, Theo... you should be illegal,” I brought out between heavy breaths.

“I figure you liked it then,” he gave back cheekily while getting up from the floor.

“What an understatement! That was very likely the best blowjob I ever received,” I admitted to him, still panting.

“Oh I'm flattered. I guess that woman of yours doesn't treat you right then,” Theo stated after grabbing a bottle of water, taking a sip. 

“Shut up Theo! I don't want you to talk about her,” I snapped. That came out harsher than I had intended, but I felt guilty enough already, I didn't need any comments of that kind.

“Alright, I'm sorry,” he said, raising his hands defensively. He then stepped in front of the mirror, running his hands through his hair to comb it back in place. “I will go back to the guys now and you should get dressed, I guess we're leaving soon.”

“Theo wait! I didn't mean to chase you away... I think I still have to return a favour,” I said, smiling a bit shyly.

“Yes later, when we're on the bus. I'm already looking forward to it!” Theo winked at me, not giving me the chance for a reply before he was out of the door.

I was just standing there, staring at the closed door. The only thing on my mind was 'Fuck, what am I getting myself into?'


	7. Favour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo, as promised here is the scene of what happened on the bus afterwards. It doesn't really fit into the next planned chapter, so I decided to post it seperately. It's shorter than the other chapters but still longer than I intended. :D  
> This is basically just porn, so be warned. ;) To be honest I don't really know what to think of it but well, here it is anyway.

When I followed Theo and the others onto the bus I already felt myself getting nervous. I had kinda promised Theo to return the favour he had unexpectedly given me in the dressing room earlier. That meant Theo expected me to blow him on that damn bus. But now that I had actually time to proceed everything that had happened, I started overthinking again. How should I even do this? It wasn't like I didn't want to. I felt excited at the thought of pleasuring Theo but what if he wouldn't like it? I had no experience and no technique whatsoever. And what if the guys would notice something? There wasn't much privacy on the bus. And what if...?

“I'm going to hit the hay. I'm dead tired,” Pete announced, interrupting my train of thoughts.

“Yeah, me too. That last beer made me sleepy,” Paul yawned. “What about you guys?” He was looking at Lael, Theo and me.

“The last beer made me hungry. I'll make myself a late night snack and then I guess I'll join you...” Lael stated, making his way over to the little kitchen.

“Dunno...” Theo said, glancing over to me. “I'm not that tired yet.”

“Um... me neither,” I hurried to say and it was true. I was far from sleepy, I ran high on adrenalin.

“Alright, sleep well later,” Paul was yawning again and he and Pete made their way to the bunks. I nervously waited for Lael to finish his sandwich, while Theo was sitting there totally relaxed, scrolling through his phone. 

When Lael had gone to sleep as well and I was left alone with Theo, I didn't really know what to do, how to approach him. I just wasn't a seducer like him. To Theo it all came naturally. He was bold and confident enough. I wasn't exactly selfconcious, but at the moment I just felt insecure due to my lack of experience.

“So... now they've all gone to sleep...” I stated the obvious, not knowing what else to say. I sat down next to Theo a bit awkwardly, fidgeting with my hands and waiting for him to give me some direction.

“Hmm, seems like it,” Theo smiled, put his phone aside and looked at me. After that the silence stretched out for a few seconds, before Theo placed his hand on mine, stopping my fumbling. 

“Adam... we can go to bed, too... you know? You don't have to feel obliged to do something just because I went down on you in the dressing room.” His voice was gentle and I liked the fact that he didn't push. The way he looked at me made me want to be close to him. I felt the urge to kiss him. 

“I know...” I mumbled, before crossing the distance between us, pulling Theo into a kiss. He smiled into the kiss and the feeling of his lips moving against mine was wonderful. We somehow fit so well. Theo let me set the pace and the feeling of being in control of the situation made me a bit calmer. I let my hand wander down Theo's body, touching him through the fabric of his pants. 

“Oh yes...” Theo sighed, pressing his hips up into my touch. I could feel him hardening and I didn't want to tease him for too long. So, I took a deep breath and sank down on my knees in front of him. With slightly shaking fingers I opened the button of his pants and pulled down the zipper. He didn't get completely rid of his trousers. I just pulled them down enough to be able to free his cock. The sight that was offered to me and the masculine smell that hit my nose immediately went to my own groin. But now it wasn't about me. I wanted to make it good for Theo, give him back something of the amazing pleasure he had given to me. 

I hesitated for a moment and looked up into Theo's face. He was staring back at me, lust in his eyes, biting his lip in anticipation. I forced myself to tear my gaze away from his face and to concentrate on the hard cock in my hand. At first I just tried out a few light kisses and licks on the tip before I finally wrapped my lips around Theo's length, trying to cover my teeth in the process. I began to pop my head up and down, gradually taking in a bit more of him. 

Theo had his hands placed on my shoulders, some soft moans were escaping his mouth. It encouraged me to try out a bit more. I started to bring my tongue into the game and to add a bit of suction. Theo seemed to like the alteration, since his panting intensified and I could feel his grip on my shoulders tighten. Just when I had established a good rhythm and was really into it, he thrust up his hips, his cock hitting my throat. I had to gag and pulled away from him immediately. My eyes were watering up from the coughing and panting.

“Sorry...” Theo mumbled, stroking soothingly over my back, while I was desperately trying to muffle the sounds of my coughing. 

“'s okay...” I croaked out, after I had managed to calm down. I gave Theo a short smile before I took hold of his cock again, giving it another try. This time I kept my hands on his hips, though, to prevent him from choking me again. I wasn't able to deep-throat him but I figured he enjoyed it nevertheless. After some more sucking and stroking I could feel Theo tense up, his body beginning to tremble. 

“Adam, I... I'm...” he moaned out, unable to finish his sentence, before I could taste the first splash of cum in my mouth. Of course I knew it would happen, but somehow it still took me by surprise. I didn't think and pulled back on pure instinct, which led to Theo coming over my face. 

“Shit, sorry Adam... I didn't mean to...” he brought out between heavy breaths. 

“No, no it's fine...” I uttered, while getting up from the floor, wiping away some cum from my eye. “I shouldn't have pulled back. It was just... I don't know... I'm sorry.” I felt embarrassed that I didn't manage to finish him off properly. 

“Oh, don't worry about that! I certainly won't complain... To be honest, I think you look bloody hot with my cum on your face,” Theo confessed with a grin.

“Alright, if you say so...” I muttered, not really convinced. “I know this was most likely NOT the best blowjob you ever got but I surely can work on my technique...” I gave Theo a sheepish smile, glad that he didn't seem to mind.

“Shut up!” Theo chuckled, leaning forward. “I enjoyed every second of it. Thank you...” he whispered against my lips, kissing me softly the next moment.

After a while we parted and I eventually got up from the couch. “I'm gonna go wash my face now because someone messed it up...” I teased.

“I still think you look pretty like that,” Theo grumbled and I could only shake my head, grinning like an idiot.


	8. Affair

I always would have thought of myself as a person who was rather controlled by brains, mainly deciding rationally. I tried to do the right things, following a way that was reasonable. I liked having control, planning things, calculating. I really wasn't much of a spontaneous person. I preferred predictability, something I could rely on, a feeling of safety.

Nothing of that seemed to matter anymore when I let myself fall into that affair with Theo. He was like a storm who had come up out of nowhere and gradually pulled me in. And for once I didn't fight it. Not anymore. After that first night I had been so sure that it was a one-off. I had just been weak and curious and above all I had been lonely. But who was I kidding? I couldn't stay away, not even if I tried. He practically just had to touch me and I was like butter in his hands. 

So I let it happen. I gave up some of the control and let myself fall. It had been scary at first but became easier when I simply allowed myself to cherish the moments I got to spend with Theo. It was wonderful and exhilarating. Every kiss tasted like a thousand possibilities. He was everything I never knew and nothing was ever predictable with him. But for some reason that didn't make me feel uncomfortable. Instead he made me feel free.

Also, I no longer questioned if my personal relationship to Theo could interfere with my job as his bodyguard. I knew Theo needed me and wanted me by his side and I would protect him with everything I had, no matter if we were lovers or strangers. 

The only thing that really bothered me was Katie. She didn’t deserve any of this. At that point it was clear to me that our relationship couldn’t be saved anymore. We were over, probably even long before I left for the tour. I just never had enough courage to be honest to myself and to her. And now I wasn’t honest either. I was a cheater and a liar. It was awful to talk to her on the phone, when just minutes before I had been lying in Theo’s arms and kissed his lips. But I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t end our relationship on the phone. I needed to explain it to her, I needed to look her in the eyes while telling her. She was still a very important person to me and nothing would ever change that. I even hoped that maybe one day we could be something like friends but I didn’t know if that could ever be possible. I knew I would hurt her, even though I didn’t necessarily plan to tell her about Theo. What did it matter? Theo wasn’t the reason I wanted us to break up. He was probably just some sort of confirmation I had been hoping for but never thought I would find THAT way. But regardless of my affair it was inevitable to have this talk with her and clear the situation. 

In front of Katie I was still able to play a role at that time but our crew had to notice the change in us sooner or later. Of course we tried to keep the thing between us a secret but I couldn't say we were very careful with hiding it. Theo didn't care what other people thought anyway and so I guess he didn't really mind if someone of his team got wind of what was happening between us. And for my part I could say that my desire for him overshadowed anything else...

*

It was one of that nights on the bus. Everybody had already gone to sleep and it was just Theo and me left in the kitchen area. It had somehow become a habit that we always were the last ones to go to the bunks since we both seemed to crave this time alone, where we could be close, touch each other, kiss each other and sometimes doing some other stuff.

“I wanted to do that all day long...” I whispered into Theo's ear, before pulling him closer, catching his mouth into another kiss. 

“Hmm, me too,” he mumbled, as soon as I released his mouth for a second. The next moment he apparently decided that there was still too much distance between us and he climbed into my lap. I immediately slung my arms around him and pulled him in for some more kisses, that got more and more heated. I could feel that our make-out session did have its effect on Theo but I was right there with him. Theo seemed to notice as well, because the next moment he started slightly rocking his hips against mine. He left my lips, sitting back up a bit and just kept moving on top of me. I lifted my hand to touch his face, tracing his beautiful features. Every detail of him was fascinating to me and I just kept staring into his eyes, transfixed. He looked back at me with an equally intense gaze, his lips slightly parted and a bit swollen, his breath laboured. I would never get used to that sight. 

Theo let his hand wander up to my chest and started opening the buttons of my shirt. I couldn't wait to feel his hands on my naked skin and I impatiently grabbed his butt, pulling him closer. A soft moan escaped his lips before he chuckled silently.

“Always so impatient, Mr. Anderson...” he mumbled, while leaning in to kiss and suck the skin on my neck.

Just when I wanted to tell him that he shouldn't leave a hickey, there were suddenly some footsteps to be heard and the next moment Paul entered the kitchen area. Theo jumped off me in an instant but it was too late. Paul had seen enough and even if he hadn't, the guilty look on our faces just screamed 'caught red-handed' and probably said it all.

But Paul looked equally surprised and a little embarrassed that he had just involuntarily disturbed an intimate moment between us. His excuse followed right away: “Oh um... I'm sorry, I didn't want to interrupt. I... um... just wanted to get something to drink.”

“No, no it's fine...” Theo was the first to find his tongue again. “You couldn't know...” His voice sounded a bit raspy and he casually folded his hands in front of his crotch, where his bulge was still clearly visible. I remembered to cross my legs but otherwise I hadn't moved nor said a word and I was sure my face had taken on a different colour by now.

Paul was just looking back and forth between us, still trying to process what he had just witnessed. “No, I definitely couldn't foresee that...” he eventually gave back while turning to the fridge to take out a bottle of water. 

“Okay guys, I will go back to sleep now and don't worry, I sure as hell won't come back, so you can go on where you left off or whatever...” Paul shrugged and with a little smirk he waddled back to the bunk area. 

“Good night Paul!” Theo and I mumbled more or less in unison. We looked at each other in silence before Theo burst out into giggles.

“What's so funny, idiot? I think the whole situation was pretty embarrassing,” I grumbled but couldn't suppress a little smile myself. Theo's laugh was just infectious. 

“Oh come on, Adam! At least we were still fully dressed, it could have been worse!” I had to admit he had a point. 

“Do you want me to talk to Paul that he should keep his mouth shut about this?” Theo asked me, more serious now, while he let himself fall onto the couch next to me.

I thought about it for a moment, but then shook my head. “Now that Paul knows anyway, what does it matter if he tells the others? I don't really mind. Maybe it would even make things easier if the guys knew....”

Theo smiled at me and leaned in. “Hmm I agree with you on that...” he said before giving me a peck on the lips. “Shall we retreat to the bunks as well? I'm sorry, but the wanker somehow ruined my mood.”

“Yeah, let's go to sleep,” I agreed, since I wasn't really relaxed enough for some intimacy now either. I was already looking forward to the following night, when we would be staying at a hotel again and I would have Theo all for myself with no one disturbing us. 

The next day was a bit awkward. I could feel Paul's curious glances towards Theo and me and unspoken questions were clearly hanging in the air. But for some reason he didn't approach us. I guess he just had too much respect for Theo and me as to intervene. I couldn't really tell if he had filled in the other guys. If so, they didn't let it show. 

* 

However, a few days later Paul came talking to me. He had just finished his soundcheck for the drums and now Theo was testing the microphone, warming up his voice in the process. I was sitting on one of the equipment boxes, watching him as usual, as he was producing those weird sounds. When he started singing for real with his deep beautiful voice, it gave me chills. I had always loved to hear Theo sing but now I felt, that the effect his voice had on me, had multiplied. I figured that the change in our relationship was the reason for it. We had gotten so close to each other. I had to think of the previous night when said voice had filled my ears with sensual moans… the way he had squirmed under my touch… damn I already felt my blood rush southwards. I needed to stop those thoughts! A screeching sound from the microphone helped me to stop my daydreaming and to return into reality. That’s when I noticed Paul approaching from the corner of my eye.  

“Hey Adam,” he greeted me with a smile. “What I wanted to ask you, now that Theo’s not around… is there anything new from the stalker, have the investigations brought any success yet?”

I sighed. In the group we didn’t talk much about this subject. Everyone was aware of it but no one really wanted to address the topic especially in front of Theo. “No, unfortunately I haven’t heard anything new, but I’m glad there haven’t been any threatening letters or attempts to harm Theo in the past weeks either.”

“Yeah, that’s good I guess…” Paul muttered a bit absentmindedly. 

I just nodded and after that we fell silent. But I couldn’t get rid of the feeling there was something else Paul wanted to talk about. Just when I wanted to ask, he spoke up again.

“But I think Theo is dealing quite well with the situation as far as I can tell… I mean you are much more close to him…” He trailed off, giving me a short glance from the side.  
I knew what he was referring to, but I wasn’t clear about where he wanted to go with it and how much I wanted to give away. 

“Theo’s brave and strong. He doesn’t let this get to him,” I eventually gave back. “Even though I sometimes whished he was more fearful and thus more careful and would actually listen to what I tell him…” I chuckled. 

At that Paul had to smile as well. “But there haven’t been any escapades from him recently. I mean… I guess… he’s mostly staying with you now?” Paul was looking a bit uncomfortable but the urge to finally address that matter seemed to be stronger.

“Yeah, that’s true…” I said a bit hesitantly. 

I had to think about one evening when Theo asked me if I would be okay with him still picking up girls every now and then. It was clear he didn’t ask me as his bodyguard. “Sure,” I said to him. “After all we are not exclusive or something. It’s just an affair.” The moment those words had left my mouth, they felt like a lie. But what else should I have said? I had no right to forbid him anything. Alone the fact that I officially still had a girlfriend myself, would have made me ridiculous. However, up to now he had never taken it that far. On parties he was flirting with countless women but he seemed to prefer to go to bed with me afterwards. I surely wouldn’t complain.

“Adam…” Paul’s voice pulled me out of my thoughts. “I know, it’s none of my business but do you think this… thing with Theo is worth risking your relationship? I mean, you’ve been with that woman for such a long time and now you wanna throw it all away for an affair? And don’t tell me you want to keep this a secret from her. How can you look her in the eyes when you are back?” Paul had taken on an accusing tone and it was clear that those thoughts must have bothered him for a while. I could understand his point of view and I did value his honesty, even though it wasn’t that easy to be confronted with it.

“Listen Paul, I’m not proud of what I’m doing and if we wouldn’t be on tour and so damn far away from home I would have told Katie the truth right away, but I just can’t do it now… on the phone. I will end our relationship, but even if it must look like that to you, it actually has nothing to do with Theo. Katie and I have probably lost each other a long time ago. I was just not ready to accept that.”

Paul was silent for a moment. “I’m sorry to hear that,” he eventually mumbled. “But are you sure it has nothing to do with Theo? Maybe if you wouldn’t have fallen for him, you would have fought for your relationship?”

I stared at Paul, my mouth slightly agape. Fallen for him? “Wh… What? I think you got that wrong. Between Theo and me… it’s nothing serious. We’re just enjoying ourselves, no strings attached.”

“Oh, I figured so,” Paul gave back unfazed. “But sometimes what we say and what we feel are two different things...”

“How come you know so well what I feel?” I asked a bit sarcastically.

“I don't, Adam. But I have eyes and I see the way you look at him, the way you act around him. My impression is that you're getting attached. At first I thought it was because you're feeling protective of him but now that I know what's going on between you...”

For a moment I thought about denying everything but the urge to open up to someone won in the end. “To be honest Paul, I don't really know what I'm feeling anymore. Everything's a mess. I never thought I could even be interested in a man that way but Theo... I don't know. He's different, special... I swear I tried to stay away at first, but I couldn't. I'm so drawn to him...” I trailed off with a dreamy expression on my face.

“Oh Adam, I can almost see the hearts in your eyes. Jeez. There's probably no use in telling you this but please be careful with Theo. You know, I love that wanker to death. He's a great lad but when it comes to relationships... he can be an asshole. As long as I know him, he's never been serious enough about it and mostly he just left behind broken hearts...” Paul said, looking over to Theo who was still warming up his voice.

“Maybe just because he hasn't found the right person yet...” The moment those words were out of my mouth I realized how much I actually wanted them to be true. 

“Yeah, that's another thing. I had conversations with Theo about that in the past and he once said to me that with men he couldn't imagine anything else than a physical relationship. His heart would belong to women. But whatever, things can change and maybe I'm wrong...” Paul just shrugged and sent me a sympathetic look. “I honestly wish you good luck, Adam!” he said, patting my thigh before he turned to leave. 

'Great! I must look like a lovesick fool now to him,' I thought to myself. But there was nothing I could do about that, anyway. Paul already had his fix ideas. I didn't know why he told me all those things, I actually didn't want to hear. I was fine with what Theo and I were having. It was exactly what I needed at that point of my life. Really. 

When Theo caught my eye and smiled at me from across the venue, I instinctively had to smile back at him. A warm feeling was spreading in my chest and out of nowhere I felt some butterflies doing somersaults in the pit of my stomach. 'Oh crap! I probably was indeed a lovesick fool!'


	9. Bad news

One day of the tour, which was a free one, we eventually got news from the police. Theo had actually planned to take a walk in the city but his plans were thwarted when suddenly the police showed up in our hotel. We were informed that the investigations had finally led to success and that a woman in her mid-twenties was arrested in London the day before. She was arousing suspicion by her actions on social media and also some of Theo’s fans who had been in contact with that woman had provided important information. Apparently that woman had been quite open about her hatred for Theo. When the police eventually could find out where the woman lived they got permission to search her apartment due to all the indications they had in that case. They had found tons of pictures of Theo, where his face or other parts of his body were cut out, and threatening letters in that flat. The sick obsession of that woman was obvious. 

During a hard and draining investigation the woman finally admitted that she was the one who had been sending all those letters and also that she had managed to place that bomb in Theo’s dressing room. She didn’t show any sign of regret and the police assumed that she was suffering severe mental illness. When she was asked for the reason she stated that Theo deserved all of that, because he had once spent a night with her and treated her like shit afterwards. For her it had been something special but Theo had just banned her from his life and never replied to any of her messages. She wanted to take revenge, because he had broken her heart.

The police showed a picture of the woman to Theo. They wanted to know if he could confirm her statement. Theo took the picture in his hands and looked at it for a while. I was glancing over his shoulder and couldn’t believe that such an innocent looking young woman could be capable of such perfidious actions. She was pretty and could definitely be Theo’s type. When Theo handed the photo back to the police officer everyone was looking at him expectantly.

“I can’t really tell…“ he mumbled, looking down to the floor. “I don’t remember her.”

“What do you mean by that?” The officer was raising an eyebrow. “That woman claims to have spend a night with you and to have searched for contact via messages afterwards. Are you indicating that she’s lying?” 

“No,” Theo brought out, sounding annoyed. “I said I don’t know. It might be true or it might not… Just because I don’t remember her, doesn’t mean I’ve never met her. I might have been drunk…” Theo uttered, looking a bit helpless.

“Well, Mr. Hutchcraft such a statement is not of big use for us. Does this occur regularly, that you don’t remember your sexual partners? And what about the messages of that woman to you?”

Theo snorted, anger showing in his eyes. “Listen, officer. I don’t think this is of any relevance. It’s simply the kind of lifestyle I have and for the messages, I don’t even read them. Do you have any idea how many fans are writing me on a daily basis? If I started this, I probably wouldn’t be doing anything else. But what does it matter? That woman is crazy, weather she’s telling the truth or not. Whatever happened between us in the past, nothing justifies her actions.”

“That’s right, of course Mr. Hutchcraft,“ the police officer said in a conciliatory way.

I had been standing next to Theo all the time, silently listening to everything that had been spoken so far. 

“But isn’t it the most important thing, that this woman got finally arrested and that the threat for Theo is over?” I eventually chimed in, feeling beyond relieved about the turn of events. 

“Well, Mr. Anderson, that’s not exactly true. Unfortunately there’s another thing we have to inform you about,” the officer said with a serious expression on his face.

“What is it?“ Theo asked, his voice was slightly shaking and I felt my heartbeat speed up as well at the officer’s words. I knew what was about to unveil couldn’t be good. 

“That woman told the police that after her failed attempt with the bomb she had noticed that much more safeguards were implemented which made it impossible for herself to get close to you again, Mr. Hutchcraft. That’s why she had been seeking out help from someone who knew what to do, as she put it. Mr. Hutchcraft, so far we have no confirmation if it’s true or not but that woman said she had hired a killer to take her revenge.”

I saw the colour draining from Theo’s face and I felt my knees getting weak. If that was true, the danger had taken on a whole new dimension. It wasn’t just about a girl anymore who had gone mental over an unrequited love, now we had to deal with a professional killer who knew exactly what to do to finish his job. 

“I... I can't believe that... Maybe she just made this up to scare me further, to make my life a living hell! What do you think, officer?” Of course Theo couldn't just accept that there was someone out there who's job was it to end his life. 

“It is possible, but we can't rely on assumptions. Regarding the mental condition of that woman, she could actually be capable of something like that and also, investigations have shown that she comes from a wealthy background. So, she most likely has the financial means for it.”

I felt my heart sink. That definitely wasn't what we wanted to hear. 

“But if she's really telling the truth, there has to be a way to stop that assignment! Aren't you able to find out the name of the killer?” I wanted to know. My voice had taken on a desperate tone. 

“Of course we do everything in our power, Mr. Anderson. But it won't be easy. She told the police that the contact had been established anonymously over a third person, who’s name she allegedly doesn’t remember. In my assessment she won’t share any further information. She’s obsessed with the idea of having her plan fulfilled. Of course we will keep investigating in every direction but it will be very difficult to find someone who doesn’t have any connection to anyone involved in the case. I’m sorry. I wish I would have better news for you.” 

Theo just nodded absent-mindedly and mumbled a “Thank you” to the police officers. He seemed very far away and I couldn’t even imagine what must have gone on inside of his mind. I tried to be there for him as best as I could, but he didn’t really let me close. He didn’t want to show his emotions in front of anyone, he didn’t want to be weak. Not even in front of me he let his guard down. He acted as if I was just his bodyguard, as if we hadn’t been close and intimate with each other during the previous weeks. I knew we weren’t a couple, but at least I thought I meant more to him than the rest of the team but if that was the case, he didn’t let it show at that moment. It hurt me but I knew it wasn’t the time for my personal sensibilities. We had to discuss with the whole team and also Theo’s manager how we would proceed from now on.

We sat together the whole afternoon until late in the evening, having Matt on the phone. All the options were weighed, all the pros and cons discussed back and forth. At the end Theo decided to play the rest of the shows and we decided to stock up our security team and to increase again the safety measures at the concerts. It was all we could do in the current situation. Everything else would have meant for Theo to step back completely from the public, which would probably mean the end of his career. And even then he wouldn’t be safe, because there could also be something happening while he was doing grocery shopping for instance. Hiding just wasn’t an option. 

*

After everything was settled for now, Theo retreated to his hotel room. I followed him automatically, figuring he would let me know if he’d rather be alone. But he didn’t say anything.

Back in the room Theo let himself immediately fall onto the bed with a sigh. He looked tired and exhausted. No wonder after that day. I also felt worn out. I kicked my shoes off and sat next to Theo on the bed. He had his eyes closed, clearly trying to relax himself. I just kept him company, staying silent for a whole while. When he opened his eyes again, I took the chance to speak up. “Theo, if you want to talk about it… I’m here for you. Always.“

The next moment Theo got up from the bed, making his way over to the mini bar. “I know Adam, thank you. But we’ve talked the whole day about all this shit. I really don’t wanna think about it anymore.” 

He took out a bottle of whisky, pouring himself a glass. “You want one, too?”

I declined, watching Theo as he emptied his glass in one go, before he slipped out of his suit jacket and got rid of his shoes as well. He poured himself another glass of whiskey and came back to bed with it. 

“Do you want me to leave you alone?” I asked quietly.

Theo took another sip from his glass, before he placed it on the night stand and looked at me. “No…” he said, while coming to sit closer to me, so that our sides were touching. He placed his hand on my thigh, which immediately felt incredibly warm under his touch. “Sleep with me, Adam. I need that now.”

I swallowed. His words and the way he looked at me definitely had its effects. God, how much I wanted that man. I craved his closeness. If I couldn’t get it emotionally, because he wouldn’t open up to me, then at least physically. Without saying a word, I took hold of his face with both hands and started kissing him. Softly at first, but more and more passionately, as I felt Theo eagerly intruding my mouth with his tongue. He tasted like whiskey and just something that was distinctively Theo. What an intoxicating mixture! He let his hand that was still resting on my thigh slide up between my legs, massaging my growing erection. I moaned quietly into his mouth while my fingers found their way to the buttons of Theo’s white shirt. 

After we had fully undressed each other, Theo crawled on top of me, pinning me to the bed. We continued kissing and touching for a while. I liked feeling his weight and his strength, but when he suddenly let his hand slide between my legs, his index finger circling my entrance, I tensed up. We haven’t gone there before and to be honest I didn’t know if I would ever want to go there. I loved the intimacy with Theo. I didn’t even care anymore that he was a man, but this was still a huge step for me, which I didn’t see myself take at the moment. 

Of course Theo noticed the tension in me and he began to run his hand soothingly over my chest. He kept the other one in place, though, still touching my entrance lightly. He leaned closer to me so that his lips were touching my ear and whispered: “I want to fuck you, Adam!” 

I felt a nervous feeling built up in my stomach and I really wanted to give him what he asked for, especially after everything he had been through today, but I just wasn’t ready. I took hold of his shoulders and pushed him away from me. I wasn’t rough, but still determined. 

“I’m sorry… I can’t,” I mumbled, not meeting his eyes.

“You don’t need to be scared. I will be careful. It might hurt at first yes, but then I will make you feel amazing. I promise,” Theo said softly, stroking slightly over my hip.  
I hesitantly met his gaze. “I know, but I’m just not ready for it…”

“You don’t trust me,” Theo stated, looking disappointed. I hated to see him like that. He didn’t even know what he meant to me.

“Of course I trust you!” I burst out. “It’s just… I don’t know… I’m not gay and I just can’t see myself doing something like that.” My voice got smaller at the end. I knew it sounded bad.

Theo huffed and the next moment he sat up, stopping the contact. “But doing everything else is totally fine with you, as long as it’s me who takes it up the ass. Really Adam, if sex with a man makes you gay, you already are. But I don’t care about labels and you also shouldn’t.”

“I know that, Theo!” my voice had taken on an irritated sound, but I couldn’t help it. “It’s still a difference for me! At least in my head. Maybe I’m just afraid to give up control…” I felt surprised at myself that I had managed to admit that.

Theo looked equally astonished about my confession. “So, do you feel like I’m under your control when we have sex?”

“No… but when I imagine it the other way around, I feel like as if you could take something away from me. I know, it sounds totally stupid, but it’s how I feel at the moment. I’m just not ready.” It was far from easy to give so much away, but I didn’t want him to draw the wrong conclusion, if I wasn’t honest in this matter.

“It’s ok, Adam…” Theo said after studying me for a few moments and let himself sink back into the cushions. 

“Are you angry now? Or disappointed?” I asked carefully, while scooting closer to him to be able to look at him properly. When he didn’t reply I started to panic a bit internally. “Do you want me to leave?” I held my breath, anxiously waiting for his reaction.

“No, don’t be stupid Adam. How could I be angry about something like that? You need to want it as well, otherwise it wouldn’t be good.” He gave me a little smile and I felt very relieved at that. 

“It doesn’t mean it will never happen, Theo…” I said, letting my hand slide over his chest.

“We’ll see. Take your time. But for now, I just want to feel you and I don’t care how…” Theo whispered and pulled me on top of his body in the next moment. I let out a surprised sound, since I hadn’t expected that mood change but I sure as hell wouldn’t complain.

“Are you sure?” I looked him in the eyes, needing the reassurance. 

“God yes! And now do something please!” Theo whined and thrust up his hip to underline his words. 

I let out a small grunt and attacked his mouth the next moment. Of course we had cooled off during our little ‘argument’ but I had absolutely no doubts that we could easily get back on track. And with the intensity Theo was kissing me back, he seemed to be the same opinion...


	10. Betrayal

If one had to find one good thing about those awful circumstances and the constant threat for Theo it would be that this whole fucked up situation brought him closer to me. Since we got the news about the hired killer Theo didn’t go out anymore. No parties, no meetings with fans, nothing besides performing and killing time on the bus or the hotel. He didn’t want to take anymore risk than was strictly necessary. And I was glad about his decision but it was also heartbreaking to see how Theo suffered because of it. I admired him that he was still capable of going on that stage night after night. But if you looked closely you could see the difference. Theo was nervous, fidgety, not as concentrated as he used to be. But even on bad days he was still good enough and the audience loved him anyway.

Due to those new circumstances Theo and I spent even more time alone than before. Since he didn’t go out anymore I had him all for myself. Maybe it was selfish to think that way but I couldn’t change it. I loved every minute I got to spend with Theo alone, where I had his full attention, where he made me feel like what we had was something that mattered. He was my safe haven, my sanctuary, where the outside world didn’t exist anymore. And I hoped I could be the same for him.

It seemed like it, when three days after we had gotten the news from the police, he broke down in my arms, letting me see all his broken pieces. The pressure had just gotten too much to bear and under tears he confessed to me how scared he was and how much he just wanted it all to be over and to go back to a normal life. I held him the whole night, put him back together, silently praying that we could soon wake up from this nightmare.

There were only two weeks of touring left. After that we would return to London, where Theo had to attend an award show. His chances to win were very good and it would be another milestone in his career. I couldn’t even imagine to not be on tour anymore. I had gotten so used to everything. Our group, the life on the road and above all having Theo around day and night. But at least with Theo things wouldn’t change that much. That killer was out there, Theo still needed protection and my job wasn’t finished yet. I wanted nothing more than for Theo to be safe, but at the same time I also dreaded that day when Theo wouldn’t need me anymore. Would the thing we had be over as well? But I pushed those thoughts aside. For now we were still on tour and unfortunately the danger far from over.

*

It was another evening on tour after another concert was played. I was looking forward to going back to my hotel room with Theo and have some time alone with him, since the previous nights had been spent on the bus. When we entered the room I immediately noticed something lingering in the air, it was just a hint of a smell that seemed strangely familiar to me. The next moment I got distracted, though. Theo pressed up behind me, his hands roaming over my chest. I loved the fact that he was as impatient as I was. I managed to take off my jacket and leave it at the wardrobe before I grabbed Theo and started kissing him hungrily, while pushing him further inside the room. 

Since it was a really spacious room, the bed was a little separated and we had to round a corner to get there. I wasn’t really looking where we were going - too busy with devouring Theo’s mouth – and thus I didn’t notice that we weren’t alone in the room until I heard a gasp coming from the direction of the bed. 

Alerted, I immediately spun around, ready to attack whoever had managed to sneak into my hotel room. My face fell when I saw who the intruder was. “- Katie!” I brought out, staring at her wide-eyed. She stared back at me, equally shocked, before her gaze shifted to Theo, who was still standing very close to me. 

I took in her appearance. She was sitting there on the bed, only wearing underwear. It dawned on me that her visit was meant as a surprise for me and I began to feel sick in the stomach. Katie seemed to slowly proceed the thing she had just witnessed as well and I could see how her expression changed from shocked to furious and humiliated. 

“You… how could you…?“ she stammered, while hastily getting up from the bed, grabbing her clothes she had put aside on a chair and stormed off into the bathroom. Her face was twisted up in pain, tears forming in her eyes.

The loud bang of the bathroom door shook me out of my trance, got me into motion again. “Shit, shit, shit…“ I mumbled to myself before I headed over to the bathroom, trying to talk to Katie through the closed door, trying to apologize, trying to convince her to at least hear me out, trying… While I was still begging her to open the door and get out, I suddenly felt Theo’s hand on my shoulder. 

“Adam… I’ll leave you alone. I’m in my room if you need me,” he said silently.

I nodded. “I will come by later, I have to talk to Katie now… I hope she will hear me out.”

“Yeah, of course. I’m sure she will…” Theo made his way over to the door and whispered a barely audible “I’m sorry…” before he left.

*

About 20 minutes later Katie came out of the bathroom. She looked hurt, her eyes red, but I could tell that she wanted to appear strong in front of me. I felt guilty like never before in my life. I shouldn’t have done that to her…

“How long?” was the first thing she said. Her tone was icy and I braced myself for a very difficult and unpleasant conversation. But at least she didn’t run away. She gave me a chance to explain myself even though I probably didn’t deserve it. The least I could do now, was answering her questions as honestly as possible. 

“Some weeks…” I said silently, feeling ashamed for betraying her.

“Some weeks…” she repeated, looking at me with disbelieve. “So when exactly did you plan to inform me that you have suddenly turned gay?” She kept her voice under control, but I had the feeling the bomb could go off any second.

“I’m not gay, Katie. I…”

“So, Theo is not a man and you haven’t been eating his face only minutes ago right in front of my eyes?!” Her voice was getting louder, I could tell she was fuming.

“I’m so sorry Katie, please believe me. I never wanted you to find out that way. I wanted to tell you… but not on the phone… I wanted to wait till I’m back home,” I looked at her with pleading eyes, even though I knew my excuses sounded weak.

“Oh, how very considerate of you. Of course, it was better to betray me and lie at me for weeks. Do you even know how much I missed you the last months? Do you know what it felt like to have you pulling away from me and not being able to do anything because of that fucking distance?” Tears were forming in her eyes again and it made me feel even worse.

“Katie, I know I’ve done everything wrong, but I just didn’t know how to talk to you…”

“Yeah, I noticed that. Of course. I’m not stupid. You suddenly seemed so reluctant to talk to me or you avoided certain questions. But I was so naïve to believe that it was because of your job and the tour life, that it took so much energy from you. And instead you were busy fucking with your popstar! Adam… this is… I don’t even have words for you. You are disgusting!” Her words were so full of hate, but I couldn’t blame her.

“I never wanted to hurt you, Katie. I’ve never been a cheater, you have to believe me. But it has been difficult between us for a while now. You know it. When was the last time we were truly happy together? To be honest, I wanted to use the tour to gain some distance and to think about us…” 

“I thought about us, too Adam. I had enough time to do so… But it seems we’ve drawn different conclusions. I realized how much I missed you and I actually couldn’t wait for you to come back so that we could start into a new future, make it better than in the past...” she had to stop, because a sob came out of her throat, tears running down her cheek. I wanted to take her in the arms and tell her that everything would be fine, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t lie anymore.

She frantically wiped away her tears, refusing to break down in front of me. “I wanted to surprise you now that I finally got some days off from work. I planned it all out. Steven let me into your room and I thought you would be happy to see me. Instead you… How could you do this, Adam?” she was screaming again.

Steven. If only he would have warned me… but of course he couldn’t know. Paul hadn’t said a word to anyone, so it was still a secret between the three of us. Well, until now…

“Katie, please. I don’t know how it all happened. We’ve been through a difficult time here on tour with the ever present danger for Theo and I guess… those circumstances brought us close… I don’t know… I can’t really explain it,” I shrugged helplessly, feeling miserable.

Katie just stared at me for a while, her expression cold, emotionless. “Why him? Why a man? Have I been the wrong gender all along?” she sounded weak now, as if all the strength had left her.

“No! Of course not! How can you even think that? I loved you, all those years. But maybe it just wasn’t enough anymore… and then Theo came into my life and we were so close because of my job and at one point it just happened, I couldn’t resist him anymore…” I mumbled, unable to look her in the eyes.

“So, is he better in bed or what is it? I don’t get you Adam! How can you throw away everything we had together for such a cheap fuckboy?!” Her tone was getting aggressive again and at her last words I balled my hands into fists.

“Don’t talk about things you don’t understand…” 

She took a step towards me, grabbing me by the shoulders, shaking me. “Then tell me for fuck’s sake! I have a right to know!” she was screaming in my face and when she looked me in the eyes I could see the desperation there. “What is this between you and him?”

“I’m in love with him, okay?” The words had been tumbling out of my mouth without me having to think about them even for a second. And in that moment I knew they were true. I could feel it so clearly like never before. It was as plain as black and white. The realization made my heart thump like crazy in my chest, made it hard to breathe all of a sudden. I was afraid to burst out into tears any second now. All those mixed emotions that were taking hold of me, were hard to handle.

Katie’s face fell at my confession. She let her hands sink down, took a step backwards and then another one. “We’re over,” she said.

“I know.“

“You know… That’s all you have to say?” She shook her head, looking at me with disbelieve.

“Katie… maybe we should talk about it all when I’m home again and everything has calmed down a bit,” I gave back, not wanting for the situation to escalate.

“You mean, when I have calmed down. But let me tell you something: I won’t calm down and you have no home anymore! I want you out of my life as soon as possible! I will bring your things to your parents. I can’t stand seeing anything that belongs to you around me!” She was so furious that she was shaking by now.

“It’s ok, Katie. I understand that of course,” I muttered, figuring it was the best to just agree with her.

“I will go now. Just looking at you makes me feel sick!” she spat out and stomped off towards the door.

Handle in hand, she hesitated and turned around one more time. “I just wish that one day your loverboy will hurt you the way you hurt me. Or do you really think a superstar with a certain lifestyle has just been waiting for you to spend the rest of his life with? Dream on, Adam!”

She shut the door with a loud bang and I felt a sting in my heart. Her last remark had definitely hit home. I realized that losing Theo was actually my biggest fear. But could you even lose someone, who has never really been yours? I didn’t know but I already knew it would hurt just as bad.

I sat down on my bed and let the tears fall freely. I didn’t even know the exact reason. Sometimes you just get overwhelmed. An important period of my life had ended and it was final. I certainly would have wished for us to part differently but I couldn’t really expect it. I hurt Katie deeply and I could only hope that maybe with time she would be able to forgive me someday. But I couldn’t deny there was also some kind of liberation I felt now. No lies, no secrets… I was finally free. Free for whatever the future might have in store for me. 

I was thinking about Theo and I remembered that I had promised to come to his room after I had talked with Katie. I took my time, collecting myself a bit, went to the bathroom to splash some cold water into my face and when I felt ready, I made my way over to Theo’s room.

*

At first nothing happened, when I knocked at Theo’s door. I wondered if he maybe wasn’t there, but then I heard some footsteps approaching. Theo opened with messy hair and just wearing his boxers.

“Did I wake you?” I asked, while entering the room.

“Nah, couldn’t sleep anyway…” he mumbled, while he climbed back into his bed. He was slurring the words slightly.

“Are you drunk?” I looked around in the room and found the confirmation in form of some gin sitting on his nightstand.

“No.”

“And what is this?” I pointed towards the alcohol.

“Well, I had no other company,” he said defensively. “But I’m not drunk, maybe a little tipsy…”

“Yeah, whatever! Maybe I go back to my room then and we talk tomorrow.” I felt a little disappointed that he didn’t even seem to care about how things went with Katie. I had hoped that he would be there for me, now that I needed him.

“What’s there to talk about? Let me guess... you want to tell me that our affair is over. That nothing can happen between us in the future because you want your girlfriend back… Or did she already forgive you?” His words came out a bit defiantly. 

I was looking at him, feeling confused. “What are you even talking about? Katie and I are over.”

“Oh.”

There was silence for a while, where I just kept staring at him, trying to figure out what went on in his mind.

“I’m sorry for you, Adam...” Theo eventually spoke up again. “But don’t you think that she will forgive you sooner or later? I mean, she’s hurt now of course… but time heals everything. And you know, everything’s fair in love and in war…”

“Theo!” I interrupted him, feeling irritated by his words. “Stop talking bullshit! The break-up is final! Of course I hope that she can forgive me one day but not to be together with her again. Did you really think I wanted to hold on to that relationship after… after everything?” I couldn’t believe Theo assumed that I would go back to Katie. It hurt me that he probably wouldn’t even have minded. 

“So, you don’t want her back?” he looked surprised and somehow hopeful, but maybe it was just my imagination.

“I thought it was obvious, Theo…” I gave back silently.

Theo shrugged. “Well, actually we’ve only ever really talked once about your relationship and I knew you were confused at that time. But still, it could have gone in every direction from there and you never really said anything…” 

“Yeah, maybe I should have made it clearer…” I mumbled, still studying Theo’s reactions, trying to figure out if he actually cared. I wanted to tell him that he was the only one who mattered to me, that he was all I could think about. But I didn’t.

“So… do you wanna talk about how it went with Katie? I’m good at listening,” Theo offered.

“Thank you. Maybe some other time,” I said with a little smile. I didn’t see a point in talking about it now. Theo wasn’t exactly sober and I was tired and actually just wanted to forget about everything that happened during the last hour. But I didn’t want to be alone, so after a short moment of hesitation, I asked my next question.

“Can I… Can I sleep here tonight?”

Theo was looking up at me. “Of course! Why do you even ask?”

“I don’t know…” I hesitated again, my fingers playing with the hem of my shirt. “It’s just… normally we just sleep together after we had sex…” 

Theo smirked. “Well, we can have sex now…” he said, looking at me suggestively. 

“Theo…” I rolled my eyes at him. He could really be an idiot sometimes.

“Sorry… that was stupid…” Theo mumbled with a sheepish look on his face, that made me adore him even more. 

“Come here,” he said, patting the spot on the bed beside him. “Let’s get some rest. I think we both need it.”

I nodded, feeling happy that he let me stay. Therefore I didn’t waste time to get rid of my clothes until I was just in my underwear as well and then I slid under the covers next to Theo. He immediately pulled me close against his body and I appreciated his gesture a lot. I felt myself relax in his arms and all my troubled thoughts slowly began to drift away.

“You know, Theo…” I said sleepily. “I’m glad that you’re with me right now.”

There was silence for a few seconds and I already wondered if he had maybe fallen asleep but then he whispered: “Yeah, me too”, before kissing my forehead tenderly.


	11. Surrender

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the longest chapter of the story so far and it wasn't easy to write. But now that it's finished, I actually can't wait to share it with you!

When we arrived back home, we were greeted by rain and a grey sky. The weather was so typical for London. But it somehow matched my mood. It was so strange to be back again after all these months spent touring the world. I had actually thought I would be homesick after a while, since I’ve never really been away from my familiar surroundings except for holidays, but somehow that wasn’t the case. Being on tour had probably been the most amazing experience of my life. Of course I also had to overcome hard times and difficult situations due to the special circumstances that had brought me there in the first place. But there were still so many good and positive things to look back to. I’ve seen so many new and beautiful places and the people I had been travelling with had become something like family. 

And above all there was Theo, of course. He was so different from anything I had known before and yet I fell in love, so unexpectedly. I didn’t regret it, not for a minute, even though the feeling that I might end up hurt never really left me. A part of me wanted to talk with Theo about it, tell him about the way I felt, but the other – bigger – part was afraid of a truth I wouldn’t know how to deal with. And furthermore there were other, more important, things to concentrate on. I had to keep Theo safe at all costs and the police would hopefully succeed and get that killer before he could do any harm. 

I was looking over to Theo who was sitting next to me in a cab. He seemed to be deep in thought, his face turned towards the window, where his reflection was broken by the raindrops. We were on our way to another hotel, which was really ironical, regarding the fact that we were finally back home in London. But the police said it would be too risky for Theo to stay in his own apartment in the current situation. That’s why we anonymously booked us into a hotel, which we would probably soon be changing again.

For my part, I didn’t mind. I was so used to that life by now and I didn’t have something like a home anymore anyway. That reminded me that I would have to pay a visit to my parents soon. Katie had carried out her threat and brought all of my belongings to my parents’ house. My mother had called me when I had still been on tour and she sounded totally distraught. Of course she wanted to know what was going on and what happened with Katie. I felt relieved that they didn’t know anything about my affair with Theo and call me a coward but I wanted to keep it that way. I just told them that Katie and me had broken up for good and that the time away from her had shown me that it didn’t fit anymore, that she wasn’t the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. 

I knew that the turn of events didn’t sit well with my parents and that the last word sure as hell wasn’t yet spoken in that matter. They had always adored Katie, were always happy that she was the woman on my side. I knew that especially my mom was waiting impatiently for us to marry and have a baby but all those hopes and dreams were shattered now. I didn’t even want to imagine their reaction if I told them about my feelings for Theo, a man. But at the moment I surely didn’t plan to do so. Theo and I weren’t an item and I didn’t know if we would ever be. But only time would show…

“I wish I could just go home for real…” Theo’s voice suddenly pulled me out of my thoughts. “Staying at a hotel in your own city just sucks!” He had turned his head towards me, looking as upset as he sounded.

I knew it wasn’t just the hotel that bothered him but all those restrictions that came with this awful threat which was constantly hovering over us like a dark cloud.

“I know Theo… I hope it will soon be possible again,” I said silently and resisted the urge to comfort him by taking his hand into mine or something like that. Theo didn’t want to show any affection in public and I understood that of course. He didn't want people to know too much about his private life.

Theo just shrugged and turned to look out of the window again. I sighed. I definitely needed to think of something that would lighten his mood…

*

The rest of the day was spent with unpacking our things to make the hotel feel at least a bit like a home. After that we ordered pizza and went to bed early, since we were both tired from travelling.

But the following morning when I saw Theo sulking over his breakfast I decided that we needed to do something.

“Have you already thought about what to wear at the award show? It’s just two days now.”

Theo stopped chewing on his croissant and looked up at me. “Well, one of my suits I guess…” He said it as if it was stupid to even ask such a question.

“Yeah, I figured. But I thought maybe you wanna look for a new suit. We could go shopping…” I smiled at him encouragingly. 

“Why? Is something wrong with the suits I own?” He didn’t sound one bit enthusiastic.

“No, not at all…” I chuckled. “But you told me you liked looking for new clothes and so I thought it would be a nice opportunity to just get out of here. Or do you wanna do something else? If we just sit here in the hotel all day long, we will probably go mad.”

“Actually the idea is not bad. I haven’t been shopping for the past months…” I could finally see a flicker of excitement in his eyes. “But isn’t it too dangerous?”

I sighed. It would be the safest way to not go out at all but really, how should we go through with that? You can’t live your life hiding all the time. I said so much to Theo and I could immediately see his mood change. He got up from his chair, went over to his closet to change into something else while explaining to me everything about his favourite shops in London. I just watched him, smiling to myself. This was the Theo I knew and… loved.

“Are you ready?” He was looking at me expectantly with his big eyes. I just nodded and together we left the hotel room and made our way over to the elevators.

*

“What do you think about this jacket?” 

“Yeah, it looks good. Put it onto the pile of clothes you wanna try on,” I said with a smile. It was good to see Theo so enthusiastic again. He was practically jumping through the store, bringing different pieces of clothes, even though he actually just wanted to look for suits.

“Oh Adam, look at that vest over there! Isn't that exactly your taste? I'm sure it would suit you really well!” He didn't even wait for my answer and was already on his way over to mentioned piece of clothes.

“Wasn't the shopping trip about you?” I asked, chuckling while following him.

“So what? You could at least try it!” He sent me some puppy eyes and when I took a closer look at the vest I had to admit I really liked it.

“Okay, you won!”

With a satisfied smile on his face Theo let his eyes roam through the store a bit further and promptly found some trousers that would – according to him – go perfectly with the vest he had found for me.

So in the end we both ended up with a pile of clothes which we took to the changing rooms. Each of us spent some time in there until we tried everything on but it showed that I was more indecisive than Theo. When he had already made his choice, I was still inside my cubicle, staring at my reflection in the mirror, turning from one side to the other. The trousers Theo had chosen for me were nice but tighter than what I usually wore and I couldn't decide if I should take them or not. 

When I told so much to Theo who was waiting outside, he didn't waste a second to join me into the changing room. His face immediately lit up, while he was scanning me from head to toe.

“Damn Adam, take them! They fit perfectly!”

“Hm, are you sure? Aren't they a bit too tight?” I mumbled while turning towards the mirror again, still quite doubtful.

“Of course I am...” Theo was stepping up behind me. “They make your gorgeous ass look even more gorgeous,” he whispered into my ear, while placing his hand on said bodypart.  
When I looked at him through the mirror, I immediately was reminded of a certain scene in a dressing room somewhere in Europe. My mouth went dry and I just kept staring at him without saying a word. 

Theo just smirked before he took hold of my shoulders, slowly turning me around so that we were standing face to face. Next he pushed me against the mirror and attacked my mouth a second later. I slung my arms around his neck and kissed him back with the same force. I loved Theo's wild side. He was always up for a surprise and I knew I would never get enough of him and his spontaneous actions. He let his hands roam over my upper body, our lips and tongues meeting over and over again. We made out like teenagers, in a changing room of all places – something I could have never done with Katie. 

A small moan escaped me when Theo's leg was pressing against my crotch and it was only then that I realised how hard I already was and how uncomfortable my new trousers had become. 

“Shhh... Be quiet or do you want someone to hear us?” Theo whispered, while nibbling on my jaw.

His hand was already wandering down south when I stopped him and pushed him a bit away from me.

“Theo, wait! We shouldn't do this, not here. It's too dangerous that someone notices.” It really took a lot of willpower to not just continue but I knew we should be reasonable for once.

Theo probably knew as well, because the next moment – although reluctantly - he took a step back. He let his hand slide through his hair and his gaze wander down my body.

“Take the trousers. They draw perfect attention also to your front,” he stated, licking his lips.

I groaned a bit embarrassed. “You can't hide anything in those pants!”

“Well, that's the point, isn't it?” was Theo's smug reply.

I just shook my head, smiling as a sign of surrendering. I couldn't beat him in his argumentation and I honestly didn't want to. So, when we were both ready to face the store owner again, we left the changing room and paid for the clothes we wanted to keep. 

*

In the evening we went out into a fancy restaurant and I was feeling as if I was on a date. My first ever date with Theo. Unfortunately we never had the chance to go on dates before. We had just tumbled into that affair without much care or thought. So, now that I finally got something like that I enjoyed every second of it. It was a wonderful evening. The food was delicious, the wine excellent and Theo, that charming man sitting on the other side of the table, made me feel like I had just hit the jackpot. I took everything in, the way his lips were forming the words, the beautiful sound of his voice, his sweet smile. My eyes were following the movements of his hands, while he was talking animatedly. I loved the way he played with his rings on his long, slender fingers or the way he sometimes pulled on his left ear, playing with his earring while thinking about something. He left me mesmerized. I was so in love.

After finishing our dinner we made our way home to the hotel. Normally we would have gone on a stroll through the city, enjoying the night air, which was quite pleasant since it was already spring. But given the current situation we opted for a taxi because we didn't want to take a risk. It was easier to hide in the dark than on daytime and I needed to keep Theo safe the best I could.

Back at the hotel I went to my room to put away the clothes I had shopped. I had to smile when I looked at my new trousers. They would probably always remind me of our little make-out-session in that store. I just shook my head and made my way over to Theo's room. I surely didn't plan to spend the night alone.

When I entered Theo's suite I found him in the bedroom in front of a huge mirror. He was wearing one of the suits he had bought – the one with animal print. I stopped by the door and just stared at him for a few moments without saying anything. How on earth could he be so handsome?

Theo must have noticed me anyway because in the next second he said: “I think I will wear this one at the award show. What do you think?” He then tore his gaze away from his own reflection in the mirror and looked at me instead. 

“Awesome,” I gave back, feeling distracted by the desire that built up in the bit of my stomach. It made my whole body tingle. 

“Yeah? Do you think it's fitting for the occasion? Or wait, maybe I should rather take this one...” He went to his closet where he was about to take out another suit. I finally made myself move away from the door and take the few steps into the room until I reached Theo. I took the suit out of his hands and put it back into the closet. At Theo's questioning look, I just mumbled “You're perfect already,” before bringing up my hands to cup his cheeks and capturing his lips into a sweet kiss. Theo kissed me back right away, placing his hands on my hips. 

“I want you,” I whispered against his mouth and I could feel a shudder run through his body. He didn't say anything, just walked us over to the bed, getting rid of his jacket on the way. When I felt my calves colliding with the bed, I let myself fall backwards into the soft cushions, pulling Theo with me. He was immediately searching for my lips again and we continued kissing for a whole while. At some point, when the built up heat had nearly become unbearable, I started undressing Theo, eager to feel his bare skin under my fingers and against my body. Theo was doing the same to me and when he let his naked body sink down on top of mine, I could hardly suppress a moan. 

“Don't hold back, Adam...” Theo whispered into my ear, before his lips were wandering down my throat to my chest where he was placing soft kisses mixed with little bites, while his left hand was touching me in all the right places. 

“Fuck Theo...” I groaned out, shivers running down my spine, goosebumps spreading out over my skin. I was writhing under his touch, my hand tangled in his hair. My air supply was already reduced to shallowed breaths, but unfortunately in the next moment the teasing mouth was gone and with it the hand on my cock. Disappointed, I opened my eyes, only now realizing that I must have closed them at one point. 

“I don't want you to come yet...” Theo stated, while leaning forward to the nightstand where he took out lube and condoms. He handed me both and positioned himself the way he usually did so that I could prepare him. 

I was turning the bottle of lube in my hand, hesitating. I had no idea where it suddenly came from, but I somehow yearned for Theo to just take care of me. I wanted to feel him, all of him. I wanted us to be as close as possible. I wanted him to take me, tear me apart and put me back together afterwards. 

When I gave the lube back to Theo, all I could see on his face was confusion.

“It's your job tonight, Theo,” I offered as an explanation. 

The surprise that showed on his face was endearing. “You mean...?”

“Yes. I want you inside of me,” I said with determination and Theo's eyes turned dark. I knew he had been waiting for this and I finally felt ready to give him what he desired.

Theo clearly didn't want to waste any time, probably afraid I could change my mind again, and he eagerly spread the lube over his fingers before he approached my entrance. “Are you ready?” he asked and I nodded, holding my breath when he inserted his first finger. It was strange and unfamiliar, but not bad. Theo took his time, preparing me thoroughly, always searching for my eyes to check if I was still okay with what was happening. 

A loud moan was ripping through my throat and my upper body was flying off the mattress, when his fingers had found my prostate. Theo smiled, apparently satisfied with my reaction and continued brushing against that spot again and again, which made me nearly lose my mind. I couldn't think clearly anymore and my clouded brain only registered the sudden loss of contact and Theo's voice next to my ear. “Turn around.”

His tone was a bit commanding and it turned me on even more. Nevertheless I felt some sort of panic and nervousness rise up in my chest. It would really be happening now. Theo must have seen that flicker of fear in my eyes because he mumbled “Trust me...” against my lips before kissing me softly. That was all the encouragement it needed for me to do what he asked and I turned to lie on my belly. 

I heard Theo opening the condom wrapper and then it didn't take long until I could feel him on my back, his cock pressing against my entrance. It hurt when he tried to push in and I was gritting my teeth, gripping the bed sheets tightly.

“I need you to relax, Adam,” Theo said, while stroking soothingly over my back, waiting patiently for me to give up my resistance.

I took a deep breath, unclenched my fists and just tried to calm down. When Theo pressed his hips forward again, it was easier. There was still pain of course, but once he was fully buried inside of me, the pressure seemed to decrease. Theo stayed like that for a while, probably waiting for me to adjust to the foreign feeling of being filled. He let his forehead rest between my shoulder blades, breathing on my skin. 

“God Adam, you feel amazing,” he uttered, sounding breathless. “Can I... Can I move?”

“Yes please, do it...” I mumbled into the pillow. I just wanted to reach this state of ecstasy again, where his skilful fingers had put me in earlier.

Hearing that, Theo pushed himself up a bit and started moving his hips. It was slow and careful at first but soon his thrusts gained speed and force. I heard him grunt behind me and I tried to move with him as best as I could, which wasn't easy in that position, pinned down to the mattress. The feeling of somehow being at his mercy was a bit strange, but not unpleasant. In fact it was a turn-on for me. 

I heard myself cry out when he finally hit that perfect spot again. “Yes, right there... yes, yes, yes!” I had no control over my desperate babbling. I kept panting and whining into the pillow as he fucked me hard and fast. The picture I provided was probably quite pathetic but I was way past the point of caring. Without having been touched, I already felt my orgasm drawing closer. I wanted nothing more than release, but suddenly Theo pulled out completely. At the feeling of loss I let out a complaining, strangled sound. But in the next moment two strong hands turned me on my back and Theo was already over me again. He placed my legs on either side of his hips and pushed in again with one hard thrust that beat the breath out of my lungs. 

“I need to see you...” Theo panted, his hips snatching forward in a fast pace. “I need to see it in your eyes what it does to you...”

I was sure he could see everything in there. I was unguarded, open and raw. But I didn't mind. He already owned everything I had to give. I looked up at him under hooded eyelids, trying hard to concentrate on his face. I was glad that I was facing him now, that I could see the sweat prickling on his skin, his blissed-out expression, his perfectly formed lips, slightly agape. I loved the way he looked at me, his gaze intense and somehow a bit possessive. I could touch him now, pull him down for a kiss, which was fierce and messy, but still perfect in its own way.

I just kept staring into his eyes, transfixed, while he was pounding into me over and over again. I barely registered his hand around my cock, all my senses were overflowed, my systems already shut down. When he made me jump off the cliff, I was only half aware of the scream that made its way out of my throat and the way my fingers scratched over his back, desperately trying to hold on to something, something that could soften my fall. But nothing could. 

Theo lost it only seconds later, his hips stuttering uncontrollably, his whole body shaking as he reached his climax with a loud moan. He crashed down on top of me and we stayed in that position for I don't know how long, neither of us moving. We were just lying there, catching our breaths, feeling totally overrun. Theo eventually pushed himself up, reaching down and carefully pulled out of me. I winced at the sudden feeling of emptiness and I was shivering a bit now that I wasn't covered by his body heat anymore. Theo barely managed to get rid of the condom, when I already pulled him close again, flush against my body. I grabbed the duvet that was somewhere crumpled next to me and wrapped it around us, not caring in the slightest that we were covered in sweat and cum. My need to be close to Theo was stronger than anything else. I just wanted him to hold me.

Theo popped himself up on one elbow so that he could look at me, bringing his hand up to gently caress my cheek. “That was... wow,” he whispered with a dreamy smile on his face. “You were amazing...”

His praise made tears well up in my eyes. I didn't even know what was wrong with me all of a sudden. I just had no control over my emotions. To hide my tears, I quickly buried my face into the crook of his neck, clinging to his body. Theo put his arms around me, holding me tight.

“Adam, is everything alright? I didn't hurt you, did I?” He sounded concerned and I just shook my head.

“It was perfect...” I brought out and then: “I... I love you, Theo.” 

At first nothing happened. It was as if time stood still and I was sure my heart would jump out of my chest any second now. The only thing I wanted was for Theo to kiss me and tell me that he loved me too but after some moments of silence I could feel his body tense. He untangled our limbs and slowly shifted away from me, sitting up against the headboard. “What... What did you just say?”

I swallowed. “You heard me.”

His head snapped into my direction, but he only looked at me shortly, before he averted his gaze again, staring straight ahead. I waited for him to say something, but he remained silent. I crawled towards him, placing my hand on his arm, still desperate for some sort of contact.

“Theo?”


	12. Nothing breaks like a heart

“Theo, please...”

“Please what, Adam?” Theo still wasn't looking at me.

“Say something...”

He huffed. “What do you want me to say?” He finally turned his head again to meet my eyes. “Did you mean it? Like for real? I mean... we all say stupid things sometimes after a good fuck... when the brain isn't fully functional yet...”

“What?” I was sitting up as well, staring at Theo with disbelieve. He couldn't be serious. “Of course I meant it. And my brain is working perfectly, thank you very much...”

“Adam...” He was stretching out his hand towards me but pulled it back in the last second. “I'm sorry, okay? But your confession... I don't even know... Where does this suddenly come from?”

“It's not suddenly, Theo! We've been very close for a whole while now and somewhere along the way I fell in love. Is it really so hard to understand? But I guess, if you think it's stupid, there's no use in continuing this conversation right now.” I felt at the verge of tears again. I was angry, sad and disappointed all at the same time. My hopes that Theo might feel the same shattered into a thousand pieces. I should have just kept my mouth shut.

“I didn't mean it like that, Adam... Of course your feelings aren't stupid. It's just... I didn't know and I thought everything was easy between us and you liked it that way...” I could hear regret in his voice.

“Yeah, it's always easy, until it's not,” I muttered, staring down at the duvet. “I didn't plan to fall for you. You can't plan such things, they just happen.”

Theo remained silent for a while. He seemed uncomfortable, his gaze cast downwards as well. “I need a shower...” he eventually stated, while getting up from the bed. “Otherwise this will be pretty disgusting tomorrow.” He pointed towards his chest and belly, where my now dried cum had been leaving its traces.

I just nodded, feeling hurt by his words. Disgusting. I could never be disgusted by the evidence of our love-making. Except that for him it wasn't love... A little but fine difference. When he was already about to open the bathroom door, I stopped him by calling out his name. He turned around, waiting what I had to say.

“I will go to my own room and have a shower as well... I will sleep there.” It was hard for me to say those words because I actually didn't want to leave. I wanted nothing more than to spend the night next to Theo, wrapped up in his embrace. But I also didn't want to wait for Theo to kick me out, I wanted to spare myself the humiliation. A little part of me still hoped for him to hold me back, though.

But Theo just looked at me with an unreadable expression and said: “Okay... good night, Adam,” before he disappeared inside the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

I felt the urge to throw something after him, but I held myself back in the last second. Instead I got up from the bed and searched for my clothes that were scattered all over the floor. I put them back on and hastily made my way over to my own room. With every movement I could already feel how sore I was. Normally it would have made me happy to carry it as a permanent reminder of the passion we had shared, of how Theo had made me his. But now it just hurt and I didn't mean the physical pain. All I could think about was how I served him everything of me on a silver plate and how he just didn't want it... didn't want me. At least not the way I wanted him. 

*

When I looked at my reflection in the mirror the next morning, I just wanted to punch my fist into it. I looked horrible and felt even worse. I had hardly found any sleep that night even though I had been so, so exhausted and wrung out, both emotionally and physically.

I stayed in my room the whole day, skipping meals because I first of all wasn't hungry in the slightest and second, I didn't want to see anybody, especially not Theo. I practically did nothing but lying on the bed, my thoughts running in circles. But the more I thought about everything the more it became clear to me that I just didn't want to lose Theo. I admitted to myself that I'd rather opt for an affair than for having nothing at all. I tried to convince myself that Theo was right and that what we had was good and easy. Feelings only made everything so fucking complicated. But maybe I could get rid of them with time. I was stuck with Theo anyway because of my job, so I could as well enjoy the time we had together. Determined to make everything right again, I got up from the bed, straightened my clothes, combed my hair and went over to Theo's. 

Theo opened at the first knock, stepping aside to let me enter the room. He was neatly styled as always but with a closer look I could see the shadows under his eyes. I figured he hadn't gotten much sleep either. He signalled me to take a seat on the couch and I took it as an offer to talk. I grimaced when I sat down a bit too quickly, since I kept forgetting about my sore butt. Theo immediately noticed of course. 

“Are you alright? I mean... because of yesterday... is it... does it...?”

“I'm fine...” I hissed, interrupting his stammering. “Give me a day and I'm good to go again...” I tried a suggestive grin, even though it felt forced. Still, I thought it was the best to just play it cool now, if I didn't want to destroy everything between us for good. 

Theo just looked at me with an open mouth, surprise written all over his face. “Are you serious right now? I thought you were angry with me...”

“Listen, Theo... I'm sorry for my emotional outburst yesterday. I guess I just got a bit overwhelmed.” I shrugged as if it was no big deal.

Theo got up from the couch and started pacing back and forth, clearly trying to process what was happening at the moment. “Adam, you don't need to apologize. You said it yourself, you can't choose what to feel. I'm sorry for my reaction... you just really took me off guard.”

I stood up from the couch as well. Relieved that things seemed to be settled already, I walked over to where Theo was standing. “It's okay, let's just forget about it...” I said, before leaning in to catch his mouth into a kiss. Theo turned his head away from me in the last moment, so that I ended up kissing his cheek. 

“Adam... I can't just forget about it. It's not that easy,” he stated, stepping away from me. 

“What do you mean?” I asked, feeling my empty stomach churn. 

“You said you meant it yesterday and I just... I don't know how to deal with that. I don't want to hurt you and I figured, it wouldn't be right to just keep doing what we did. I think it's best for everyone to end this affair, Adam.”

In that moment I felt the ground slipping from my feet. No, he couldn't be doing this. Not now, that he made me need him so much!

“You're dumping me? Just like that? Now, after... after I've given myself to you?” My voice was shaking, but I couldn't control it. 

“Jesus, Adam! You sound like a chick! And I always thought with a guy it was less complicated to just have something casual...” He demonstratively rolled his eyes to underline his words.

“You're such an asshole, Theo!” I couldn't believe how ignorant he was. “Just for your information, men have feelings as well. We all are human beings and have a heart and fall in love against all reason and logic. But of course something like that doesn't fit into your world, where it's all just fun and games and if someone develops serious feelings, he gets dropped like a hot potato!” I was so furious I could have slapped him in the face.

“What exactly are you accusing me of? I've always been honest with you, never played any games. It had been clear right from the start that what we had was an affair and nothing else!” Theo's dark eyes fixated me with an angry stare. 

I secretly had to admit he had a point but still, I couldn't let him get away with that. “Well, good for you that you are always so CLEAR about your feelings... You probably don't even have any...” I knew I was being very harsh right now, but I just felt like a wounded animal.

“That's not fair,” Theo mumbled, not able to cover the hurt my words had caused.

“Nothing's ever fair, Theo...” I gave back, staring at the floor.

“I do have feelings for you, Adam.” At that I looked up at him, unable to hide the hopeful expression on my face. 

“But love and relationships... I don't know... it's just not something that I do.”

Disappointment washed over me again, this time with doubled force. “But you told me once that you believe in love... with the right person. Was is all just sweet-talking?”

“I actually remember that conversation...” a sad smile was crossing Theo's face before it disappeared again. “I actually meant what I said but I don't know... I just don't feel ready and to be honest I have always seen myself with a beautiful woman on my side, maybe having a real family with kids... not now but some time in the future...”

I huffed. “And that is coming from you? Of all people? Guess what, I wanted that, too! And I even had this woman to share my life with, with all opportunities lying ahead of us! And yet here I am with you, making a fool out of myself!” This was really getting ridiculous. 

“Now, don't say it's my fault that you couldn't make your relationship work.” Theo crossed his arms in front of his chest in defiance.

“No, I didn't say that...” I gave back, my voice a bit calmer now. “I just wanted to point out that I had other plans for my life as well and they surely didn't include falling in love with a man. But in the end I didn't care about all those things... because as you once said to me: True love conquers it all! I am willing to overstep every boundary, to break every rule... anything... just to be with you...” The last words were only a whisper, because I hardly trusted my voice anymore. But it needed to be said. I couldn't get any more honest. I laid everything bare, which left me standing there, literally naked in front of him.

“Wow, no one has ever said something like that to me... I don't know what to say...” I could see that he was affected by my words, that there was some kind of inner turmoil going on inside of him, even though I didn't exactly understand what it was about.

“Adam listen, I never wanted to hurt you and I wish I could tell you something different, but I still think we should stop here. I just can't be what you want and deserve. We are too different. I'm sorry.” With those words he turned away from me, going over to his bedroom. 

So, that was what it felt like when you get your heart broken. Katie's wish was fulfilled and maybe it was just fair. I swallowed around the lump in my throat and let myself sink down on the sofa again, burying my head in my hands. I didn't know what to do. My plan to go back to something casual had failed and I had to admit it had been stupid anyway. The best for me and my aching heart would probably be to leave everything behind and give myself time to heal but I couldn't do that. I had a responsibility towards Theo, which meant I would have to endure the closeness without being able to really get close again. That would be torture! But in the end I had to blame myself. I had known it all. That was what could happen when you let the lines blur between work and personal relationship. Still, it didn't help me one bit right now.

However, there are moments in your life where you just need to show some strength no matter how hard it might be. And this was one of those moments. I needed to take a clear position and let Theo know that he could always count on me as his bodyguard. So, I followed Theo into the bedroom where he was busy with his clothes.

“Theo, I just want you to know, that what happens between us on a personal level won't affect my job as your bodyguard. I won't leave your side in this difficult time.”

Theo turned around, looking at me with a small smile. “Thank you, Adam. I really appreciate that and everything you do for me.” 

“Yeah, it's my job...” I mumbled, watching Theo as he was putting together an outfit. “Um... Did I miss something? Do we have to go somewhere tonight?”

“No, you didn't. I will attend the pre-party of the award show tonight and I have already asked Stephen if he's available to accompany me... I figured it was better for us to have a little distance now.” He didn't look at me while talking. Instead he was polishing his shoes. 

“You're going out?” Hell, I hadn't been expecting that. The fact that he informed me about it as if it was no big deal, pissed me off. And that he revealed only as a side note that my company was not wanted, even though it was my fucking job, pissed me off even more.

“Do I really have to remind you that there is most likely a killer out there, only waiting for his chance and that every public event is the perfect opportunity to go through with his plan?!”

“I know that, Adam! And I'm so sick of it!” Theo burst out. He dropped the shoe he had been so busy with and I finally received his full attention. “It's been weeks since I have been to a party! If I stay here in that damn hotel room for another two hours, I will probably go insane. It all feels like a fucking prison and I can't do that anymore! That constant threat and... and you... It suffocates me! I can't breathe anymore!”

Wow. That hurt. I was just standing there, looking at him, honestly at a loss of words for a moment.

“Well, then... I think it's better to leave you alone, I no longer wanna steal your air...” With those words I turned around, just wanting to get out of here. 

“Adam, wait... I didn't mean it. It's just... my nerves are on edge. Can't you understand that?” It was the plea in his voice and the desperate undertone that made me face him again.

“Of course I can. But believe me, you're not the only one.”

“I know. I'm sorry,” he said meekly. 

“It's okay...” The problem was, I could never really be mad at him for long. “But do you really have to go to that party? I'm worried, Theo.”

“Yes I do. I just need to get out of here for a little while. And furthermore there will be loads of important people, it's always good to make some new contacts in this business.”

I nodded, realizing there was nothing I could do to change his mind. “Then do what you have to do. I still don't want you to go, though.”

When he didn't reply, I asked: “Can I at least come with you? You know I won't be getting in your way, I never did. And our private issues won't change anything. I just wanna do my job and be there, just in case.”

“Adam... please let it go already,” Theo gave back, sounding annoyed. “Stephen is doing a fantastic job as well. I will be taking him with me and I don't wanna discuss this further.”

That was when it hit me. 

“What kind of new contacts do you wanna make exactly?” I asked, squinting my eyes at him.

Theo shrugged. “I already told you the party will host the biggest names in music and show business and -” I didn't let him finish.

“Are you planning to find someone to sleep with tonight? Is this the reason you don't want me to come with you? Is it, Theo?” The question came out of the blue, but once it had popped up in my head I realized it was the only logical explanation for his behaviour.

“What? No, it's... it's not like that.” He looked away a bit too fast and I knew he was lying. 

For a moment I thought about arguing with him, but eventually decided otherwise. I knew when a battle was lost, even though just the thought of Theo with someone else, was killing me. 

“Alright then. I'm gonna go now. Take care, Theo,” I said silently, before I turned to leave, not waiting for an answer.


	13. Showdown

When I was back in my own room I immediately threw myself on the bed, face down. I couldn’t hold back those stupid tears anymore but I was glad that at least no one was there to see me. It was over, I had ruined it all with my mindless confession. Of course Theo didn’t love me, why should he? There were countless girls and boys out there who wanted to be with him. Why should he give that up for one person? But after all those one-night-stands and meaningless affairs I had actually hoped that Theo wanted something that lasted. But apparently he wasn’t ready or I was just not the right one or both. 

I sat up and angrily punched my pillow. There was so much frustration and disappointment within me and I just didn’t know how to deal with it. I wished things between us could go back to the way they were before, easy and without commitment but at the same time I knew that this was only true for Theo. I couldn’t be like him and had probably been in way too deep right from the start. Yes, I knew it all and yet it was so hard to accept, that I would never get to kiss him again, hold him, feel him…

For God’s sake, I needed to stop with that self-pity. There was no way that I was lying here, crying my eyes out while Theo went to that party, enjoying himself. The party. Why did he have to go? Well, I knew why but I that didn’t make it any better, rather the opposite. What if something would happen at that event and I wouldn’t be there to protect him? I would never be able to forgive myself. Of course I trusted Stephen and his abilities but two pair of eyes saw more than one…

Before I knew it, I was already up from the bed, making my way into the bathroom. I needed to go to that party, weather Theo wanted it or not… In this case I couldn’t care about his wishes. It was about his safety and nothing in this world was more important. I quickly changed my clothes, refusing to wear one of the items we had bought yesterday. Just looking at it made me instantly sad again. How was it possible that everything could change so much within one freaking day? I’d been so happy yesterday, floating on cloud nine. The deep fall afterwards hurt all the more. I shook my head. There was no time for sentimental thoughts, I needed to get to that party. Theo surely had already left, hopefully with Stephen by his side.

After I had taken a cab and finally arrived at my destination, it wasn’t difficult to gain access. I just had to show my security card and could pass by. I was greeted by a huge lounge area. Everything looked very posh and fancy. There was some music playing but not too loud so that people could still have a conversation. I took a closer look at the people who were all dressed and styled to perfection. I recognized several of them, based in the music business or the entertainment industry in general. But I didn’t care how famous they were. My eyes were scanning the crowd for one person only but I hadn’t spotted him yet. 

“Sir, can I offer you something to drink?”

I looked to my right a bit confused and saw a girl with a tray full of Champaign and Orange juice. I decided for the latter and took a glass with a friendly nod. I wouldn’t allow myself to drink any alcohol tonight, even though I actually felt like it. It would be good to just forget everything for a few hours but I couldn’t do this. I was here for a purpose after all.

I sat down in a dimly lit corner where I hoped no one would bother me and continued looking around. Maybe Theo wasn’t even there yet. After all, I didn’t know when he left our hotel. After another 20 minutes of waiting I eventually saw Theo entering the lounge, Stephen by his side. Damn, he was stunning! And it wasn’t just about his looks, it was his whole charisma, I was so drawn to. But I didn’t allow myself to drool over him. He wasn’t mine anymore, never had been. It had been a beautiful dream, I eventually needed to wake up from. 

Theo took a glass of Champaign that was offered to him and immediately began mingling with the crowds. I wasn’t exactly hiding from him, but honestly I wasn’t too keen on being seen by him either. He hadn’t wanted for me to come with him and I was actually just there to have an eye on him so that I wouldn’t need to reproach myself if something happened. And maybe, just maybe I also wanted to know if I was wrong and he would leave alone tonight. Oh boy, how much I wanted him to prove me wrong!

At first everything was good. Theo made new contacts and - according to the looks of it - had some interesting conversations with a bunch of people. But when his alcohol level increased he seemed to lose interest in that kind of business talk. With a new drink in hand he made his way over to the club area, where it was about dancing and partying rather than making conversation. I followed him there of course, searching for another dark corner. Stephen had found a spot at the bar where he made himself comfortable.

I wasn’t one bit surprised when Theo started chatting up girls. I’ve seen him do this countless of times when we had been on tour together, even when we had already begun sleeping together. But back then it had just been harmless flirting and he had always left it there. I wasn’t so sure about tonight, though. 

As the night went on and Theo clearly got more and more drunk, he started making out with a woman in the middle of the dancefloor. I watched him kissing her rather passionately and the way he shifted his hands to her ass. 

Why was I even doing this to myself? It was like he had just been waiting to get rid of me, so that he could finally get himself a female shag again without me being in the way. It hurt so fucking much, that I wished I had never taken that job and therefore never met Theo.

Just when I wanted to leave that stupid party because I just couldn’t bear looking at Theo like this anymore, I saw Theo waving his hand at Stephen, indicating he wanted to go. He left the dancefloor hand in hand with his woman for the night. He was swaying and slightly stumbling over his own feet, but the girl didn’t seem to be in a much better state.

When Theo was gone I made my way over to the bar and ordered myself a drink. I told myself it was well deserved. It was very tempting to just drink myself into oblivion tonight but the award show I had to attend with Theo the following day held me back. Fucking responsibilities. 

When I had left after one drink and arrived back at the hotel, I had to walk by Theo’s door in order to reach my own room. Even though I actually really didn’t want to, I couldn’t help myself but stop for a moment and press my ear against his door. But I didn’t hear anything. I quickly stepped away again, practically running into my suite, while shaking my head over my own stupid behaviour. I really was a hopeless case.

*

The next day I didn’t see Theo until late in the afternoon. He had probably been sleeping half of the day and sure as hell had to cure his hangover. When he came to my room, he was already all dressed up for the award show. He had eventually decided for the suit with the animal print and I had to admit he really looked sharp in it. Normally I also would have told him that but now I just remained silent. 

The actual reason he was here was that we needed to discuss the order of events for the award show: From the red carpet, the official reception, to the actual award ceremony. And maybe Theo also wanted to attend the after party now that he had caught fire again…

We just talked about the details without a personal word whatsoever. Theo had difficulties with looking me in the eyes. Maybe there was something like a bad conscience after all. For a moment, when all important things for the evening were discussed, I thought about asking Theo about the party. But in the end I decided otherwise. I wouldn’t be able to bear another lie from him. It was difficult enough to look at him as if I didn’t know what he did last night, as if I wasn’t hurt.

I wanted to scream into his face how he could just replace me so easily, but instead I said: “Alright, I think Stephen might be here any minute now. I told him we would meet him in the lobby. So, I’d say we can go down already.”

Theo just nodded, but didn’t move one bit. Instead he was staring at the floor.

“Is there anything else?” I asked, my voice sounding cold.

“Adam… Can we talk for a moment?”

“I think that’s what we did for the last ten minutes,” I gave back, already grabbing my jacket and the stuff I needed to take with me.

“You know what I mean… Please Adam!” I wanted to push past him but he held me back by grabbing my arm. For the first time today he really looked me in the eyes and now it was my turn to look away. The eye contact felt way too intimate and I couldn’t take any kind of intimacy between us. I was afraid of doing something stupid.

I quickly brought a bit of distance between us and mumbled: “Alright, what do you have to say?” I sounded annoyed but in reality I just wanted to cover up how much his presence affected me.

Theo took a deep breath, kneading is fingers. He seemed honestly nervous, but I didn’t know why. “Well, um… The thing is… I… it’s just… forget it!” Theo looked away in frustration and I just stared at him in silence, probably having a thousand question marks written in my face.

Just when I wanted to encourage him to spill it already, there was a knock on the door. It was Stephen who came looking for us, since we hadn’t been in the lobby.

“Um guys, if we don’t want to be late for the red carpet, we should go now…” he stated, looking back and forth between us.

“Yeah of course, let’s go…” Theo mumbled. He seemed edgy and tense and I wondered if it was because of the award or if it had to do with the thing he wanted to tell me. We made our way outside in silence. Our driver was already waiting in front of the hotel.

The whole ride was rather quiet as well. Stephen seemed to sense the tension between Theo and me and kept his mouth shut. Theo was just staring out of the window, while his fingers were playing with his rings.

When we finally arrived at the red carpet, Stephen was the first to step out of the car. He was supposed to walk a bit ahead of us, while I would be staying directly at Theo’s side. Theo gave me a short glance, biting his lip, hesitating. I had the feeling he wanted to say something, but he didn’t. Instead he eventually turned around again, reaching for the door handle of the car. I hastily placed my hand on his shoulder, making him face me again. 

“Good luck with the award tonight, Theo,” I said quietly. The urge to pull him into a tight embrace was strong but I couldn’t give in to that. I just couldn’t. 

A small smile spread over his face. “Thank you, Adam…” he mumbled, squeezing my thigh shortly, before he opened the door and stepped out onto the red carpet where he was immediately greeted by tons of flashing cameras. I hurried to get out of the car as well, still feeling his touch on my thigh as if it was imprinted. I quickly tried to shake it off, though. For the next couple of hours I needed to give 100% of my concentration to our surroundings and there wouldn’t exist anything else anymore. I took a deep breath and silently prayed that everything was going to be fine. 

*

After the red carpet part was done, we had some time backstage until the actual show started. Stephen and I were introduced to the award show team, including the host, the camera men and their own security team. We were shortly instructed were we could stand and watch out in case Theo would win and would step on that stage during the show tonight. If it had been for a different reason, it would have actually been really exciting to be part of such a huge show which was also broadcast on television. But under the current circumstances I just felt tense and nervous.

I stepped a bit aside, pouring myself a glass of water. I looked over to Theo who was talking to his manager Matt. 

“Adam, do you have a minute?” I heard Stephen’s voice next to me.

I turned towards him. “Sure, what is it?”

Stephen was looking at me a bit uneasy and I didn’t know what to expect. “Um, actually I didn’t want to ask at all but it bothers me somehow… Adam, I’ve seen you at the party yesterday…”

‘Oh no,’ I just thought to myself, but remained silent, waiting for Stephen to continue.

“To be honest I was quite surprised, because Theo had told me you didn’t have time to accompany him… And now, I just wanted to make clear that it wasn’t my intention to take anything away from you. I really thought my service was needed.”

I smiled at Stephen. He was really a good guy. “Oh please, don’t you worry about that! You just did what was asked from you. And I was there because… it’s actually a bit complicated. It’s something personal between Theo and me… But you didn’t tell him that I was there, did you?”

Stephen was visibly relieved that he hadn’t done anything wrong. “No, I didn’t. I figured you would have come to say hi if you wanted Theo to know you were there.”

There was a pause before he continued a bit hesitantly. “I don’t want to be too nosy but I’m actually curious. When we were on tour there have been rumours that you and Theo had something going on. I never believed that because, well you were in a relationship. With a woman. But then after Katie’s visit… when you had suddenly broken up… I wasn’t sure anymore…” 

He was looking at me expectantly and I didn’t really know how to reply. “Listen Stephen, whatever might have been between Theo and me, it doesn’t matter anymore. All that binds us is a professional relationship. Nothing else.” It hurt to say those words and know that they were actually true.

Stephen didn’t really look satisfied with my answer but before he could say anything, there was already the signal to be heard that everyone should take their seats since the show was going to be starting soon. Before I made my way over to Theo and Matt, I addressed Stephen one more time.

“I hope you won’t help spread any rumours,” I said with a serious expression.

“You can count on me, Adam,” he gave back, shortly placing a hand on my shoulder to emphasize his words. 

*

“And the award for best pop album international goes to… Theo Hutchcraft!”

After hearing his name Theo jumped up from his seat with a victorious smile on his face. I knew this was huge for him. Winning this award was definitely another milestone in his career. He hugged Matt closely and received some pats on the back from the people seated around him. When Theo was ready to go on stage to hold his speech of thanks, he shortly met my eyes. I gave him a nod accompanied with a little smile, which he immediately returned. Despite the fact that I was immensely disappointed in him because of the way he had let me down, I somehow felt genuinely happy for him winning this award because I knew he deserved it. 

Theo quickly made his way over to the huge stage with Stephen and me by his side. As it had been discussed earlier, Stephen positioned himself at the right side of the stage while I took the left. Since it had been demanded from us we stepped a bit into the background now to give Theo space to shine on stage during his speech.  
After the award was handed over to Theo by another musician, Theo stepped in front of the microphone. All eyes in the room were resting on him now and when Theo spoke the first words to the audience I could hear how excited he was. 

Theo started thanking his family, friends and his manager but somewhere along the way I zoned out and didn't pay attention to his words anymore. Instead I was observing the surroundings precisely until my gaze fell on one of the camera men. It was strange because I actually got to meet the team before the show but this guy didn't seem familiar in the slightest. Something about this made me unsettled, almost anxious. I couldn't explain it, it was more of a gut feeling, really. 

Suddenly the audience began to laugh and applaud... Theo must have made a joke or something. But I couldn't let myself be distracted. Not now. I kept fixating the man, who's camera was directed straight at Theo. My heart began to beat madly in my chest. I knew something would happen. I just knew. Blindly I reached for my gun, while I was risking a short glance towards Theo. And that's when I saw a tiny red laser spot appearing on his face.

Before I knew it I was already in motion, the adrenaline pumping through my veins. I needed to reach Theo before the bullet. Even though I ran to the middle of the stage as fast as I could, I felt like everything happened in slow-motion. Next thing I knew was that I was somehow flying through the air as I had jumped off the ground to get myself between Theo and his attacker. My gun was aimed at the killer and I managed to pull the trigger before I was smashed to the ground by an immense force, taking Theo down with me. I realised that I had caught the bullet that had been meant for Theo. The relieve I felt that I had managed to protect Theo, outdid the sudden pain in my chest. 

After the shots had been fired, there had been an incredulous silence in the whole room. Everything seemed to stand still for a split second before hell broke loose. Somewhere in the distance panicked voices and screams could be heard, but it didn't really reach over to me anymore. I tried to concentrate on breathing in and out, which all of a sudden seemed to be an incredibly difficult task and somehow I couldn't move. I felt like I was caught up in a dream and not able to wake up. I was slowly drifting away bit by bit, the pain easing. Vaguely I could make out Theo's voice crying out my name numerous times, before everything went blank.


	14. Sorry has never been my strength, so please forgive me

When I opened my eyes, everything was blurry at first. I was blinking a few times until my surroundings became clearer. I didn't know where I was. Nothing was familiar, not the room, not the bed I was apparently lying in, not the sounds or the smell, nothing. Except for one thing: When I was concentrating I could hear someone breathing next to me. It immediately caused a warm feeling to spread through my body. I had fallen asleep to that sound numerous times and it felt like home.

I slowly turned my head a tiny bit towards the source of the familiar sound. There he was sitting next to me on a chair. He was staring at the opposite wall and seemed to be very far away in his thoughts. I looked at him some more. His eyes were red and puffy. Had he been crying?

Theo was still wearing the animal print suit from the award show. The award show... Slowly everything came rushing back to me. How Theo had won, how we went on stage and then I saw that face before me again. The camera man and the tiny red laser spot on Theo's face. I could hear the shots again that were fired, one of them being my own. The next thing I remembered was me going down to the ground and that's were my memories ended. 

I must have let out a small sound while reliving the horrible events at the award show, because Theo was suddenly brought back into the here and now, his eyes focusing on me.  
“Adam! You're awake!” He was smiling at me, relief shining from his eyes. “Thanks god...” He mumbled while taking my hand in his, pressing a soft kiss to my knuckles.

“Theo,” I croaked out. My voice sounded so unfamiliar and raspy as if I hadn't used it in ages. But actually, I didn't even know how long I was out. Could have been minutes or days... I had no sense of time whatsoever. But since Theo was still wearing the same clothes, I figured it couldn't have been so long.

“How are you feeling?” Theo asked, his eyes concerned. 

“Hmm, hard to tell... a bit drowsy, but otherwise good. I don't feel any pain...” Speaking already felt a bit easier with every word. ”What happened exactly?”

Theo was looking at me, still holding my hand in his. “You caught the bullet with your upper body. The bulletproof vest you were wearing didn't completely prevent the bullet from penetrating your body. You were immediately brought to hospital where they had to do a surgery to remove the bullet. No one could tell how deep the bullet had intruded and if any organs were damaged.”

Theo's voice was shaking, he had to take a deep breath to be able to continue.

“The doctor told me that luckily the vest had absorbed most of the energy of the bullet, so that the impact it had on your body was much smaller and it didn't go so deep to cause severe damage. You'll be fine, Adam,” he said, his smile weak.

“I guess I was lucky then...” I mumbled, only slowly comprehending the extent of what happened. I could have lost my life. 

Theo just nodded, biting his lower lip to keep it from quivering. He tried hard to hold back his tears but in the end he lost the fight and the tears were running down his cheeks, accompanied by a little sob.

“Hey, Theo...” I was squeezing his hand, “Shhhh. Calm down. You said it yourself, I will be fine.” I tried to give him an encouraging smile.

“I know... and I'm so happy and grateful! It was just horrible to see you lying there and not knowing how bad it was. And then in hospital... every minute of uncertainty felt like a lifetime. I was so scared of losing you...” Theo let go of me and brought his hands up to bury his face in them. He gave free reins to his emotions and I just let him cry for a while, feeling quite overwhelmed myself.

“Thank you for saving my life,” Theo suddenly said. He let his hands sink down to be able to look at me. “I'm so sorry, Adam. I'm so incredibly sorry...”

“Hey...” I took hold of his hand again, which was wet from all the tears. “It's my job. We knew it could come to that point and I'm just glad I was there at the right moment. And you don't need to apologize. Nothing about this was your fault, you hear me...”

Theo was shortly wiping over his eyes with his free hand. “I know, but I'm not just talking about the attack...”

At that I felt my heartbeat speeding up but I remained silent, waiting for Theo to continue.

“Adam, there's so much I need to tell you... I need to explain... and I almost didn't get the chance for it anymore.” Fresh tears were forming in his eyes. 

“I'm here, Theo and everything's gonna be alright. It's finally over. They arrested the attacker, didn't they?” For a little moment I was overcome by fear that the killer might have gotten away.

“Yes, they got him. Your bullet hit him on the shoulder and you managed to put him out of action long enough until other security guards could bring him down. You're a true hero, Adam,” Theo said, his voice all soft and a sweet smile on his lips.

I just brushed the compliment off, feeling almost embarrassed by the praise. “So, everyone else is fine, too... right?” I needed to make sure.

“Yes... Oh and your parents were immediately informed, of course. But as you know, they are on holidays in Mexico and they'll be here as fast as they can... That's why I was the one sitting here, waiting for you to wake up.” Suddenly Theo seemed to become shy, looking aside. He was probably unsure if I even want to have him here after everything that happened between us.

“Theo...” I was squeezing his hand again, to gain back his attention. “Please, just make sure my parents know that I'm alright. I don't want them to worry too much. And... thank you for being here with me... I'd really like to talk to you some more but I'm still really exhausted and I feel like I might fall asleep any minute now...”

“Of course, Adam. Just sleep. It will help you heal. I will take care of everything. It's the least I can do after everything you've done for me...”

I just nodded with a little smile and felt myself relax more and more. My breathing was evening out and my eyelids became heavier and heavier. Somewhere between wake and dream a soft voice was travelling over to me. “I love you, Adam.”

*

I had to stay at the hospital for over a week. According to the doctors the recovery went well and I was also feeling a lot better already during the first days. My parents arrived the next day and were just happy to see me still alive. I apologized to them that they had to break off their holidays because of me but they didn’t want to hear any of it. Also, it was nice to see how many people cared about me, weather they were paying me a visit or made a phone call to ask me how I was. 

Very surprisingly and unexpectedly I also received a call from Katie. The conversation was a bit awkward and mostly came out a bit forced but I was truly happy to see her still caring. After everything I’ve done to her. She told me that she was still hurt and that it didn’t mean she had forgiven me, but still, she wanted to make clear that she was glad that I wasn’t seriously harmed. After the phone call I was a bit more hopeful that maybe one day she would be able to forgive me. I took her reaching out to me as a first step.

Something that couldn’t be avoided was a talk with the police. They needed my point of view of the events during the award show for their protocols. Also, they informed me about the fact that the “hired” killer wasn’t as professional as we had thought. That girl had been lying, when she said she didn’t know the name of the killer and everything was wound up anonymously. In fact there had been a personal relationship between her and Theo’s attacker. That guy seemed to be as crazy as her and most of all madly in love. He had told the police he wanted to take revenge for her and he wanted to do it as an act to proof his endless love. That was why he chose an occasion like the award show. He wanted this to be grand. He wanted to prove himself worthy for her. It was like he saw a dead Theo as his trophy. It was just totally insane and all those new information made me feel sick in the stomach. However, professional killer or not, that guy had apparently been professional enough to gain access to the award show and to go unnoticed with his disguise as a camera man. Those people responsible for the show should very urgently reconsider their security concept.

But that wasn’t something I needed to worry about anymore. For Theo the danger was over, he was finally free. 

Theo. 

From the moment I woke up in that hospital bed for the second time, I could hardly concentrate on anything else than those words: ‘I love you, Adam.’ Had it been real or just made up in my dream? I wasn’t sure anymore.

I told myself to not get my hopes up too much but that didn’t keep my thoughts from swirling around those words over and over again. And what if Theo had really said it? Why should he have changed his mind? Maybe now that I had saved his life he was feeling some sort of obligation towards me or it was just the worry in him speaking. Either way, I was somehow afraid to find out. This was my last straw of hope. If Theo didn’t mean it, that would be the end of us. And this time our ways would part for good. There was no reason left to stay connected. My job was done, he didn’t need me anymore. But I just wasn’t ready to let go. 

When Theo came visiting me the next time, he brought me my favourite chocolate and I was honestly surprised that he had paid attention to such a detail in the past. Since it was a beautiful day with warm weather I asked the doctor if I was allowed to be taken out into the little park of the hospital. When I promised that I would stay in the wheeling chair, since I shouldn’t move too much so shortly after the operation and that Theo would take care of me, he eventually agreed.

At first we just had some light conversation, like old friends as if nothing was standing between us. At some point Theo stopped his babbling and just enjoyed the sun for a moment. He had his eyes closed, his face was hit by sun rays. I was observing him from the side, feeling bold enough to do so, now that he wasn't looking. I took in his handsome features, his little freckles that started to come out more now, even though his skin was darker than mine. What would I have given to just be able to kiss those freckles in that moment…

Knowing that I couldn’t avoid it forever, I took all my courage to finally ask him what was the deal with us.

“Theo…?”

“Hmm…” he answered, not opening his eyes.

“When I woke up yesterday, you said there was so much you wanted to tell me and that you were afraid you wouldn’t get the chance to anymore. Well, now you have the chance…”

I watched how Theo immediately opened his eyes, tensing a bit. He hesitantly met my gaze, biting his lip, clearly pondering what to say.

“Yes, you’re right…” he finally brought out. “It’s just not that easy. Adam, I… I made so many mistakes and now I don’t even know where to start…” He was trailing off, his gaze shifting to the side.

“How about you start at the beginning?” I managed a little smile. I really wanted to encourage him, but at the same time I didn’t know what I was going to get and that made me panic a little inside.

Theo took another few seconds that felt like hours to me, until he finally spoke up again.

“You know, when I first met you, I really hated the idea of having a bodyguard, someone who’s constantly there, snooping around in my life. I was afraid of losing some kind of freedom and I took it out on you, which wasn’t fair, I know…”

At that a small smile spread across my face. We’d really come a long way. “You didn’t make it easy for me at first, yes. But then I guess we got along really well quite quickly…”

Theo nodded. “Yeah… When I knew how serious the situation was, I was actually glad to have you by my side. And I also found you were a cool guy… and a handsome one…”

“Theo…” I said, probably blushing a bit. I hadn’t expected him to give me his charm offensive now.

“What? It’s true, Adam…” Theo was grinning at me but then he turned serious again. “You know, at first when things started between us, it was more of a game for me. I felt there was something between us early on, but I wasn’t sure how far I could go with you. You were in a relationship, never been with a man… But damn, I wanted you and your inexperience only added to the thrill. When you finally gave into me, I felt like I had one the price. I didn’t care about anything else, if I destroyed your relationship… I’m sorry.” His voice was quiet and he was looking down now, ashamed.

“I wanted this affair as much as you and I don’t regret giving up my relationship with Katie… Of course I’m not proud of cheating on her, but I can’t go back in time and do it differently…” And even if I could, I wasn’t sure I would. But I rather kept this to myself.

“Yeah, I guess we’re both equally guilty in that matter,“ Theo mumbled a bit absentmindedly, playing with the seam of his trousers. 

After a few moments of silence, which he apparently needed to gather his thoughts, he was looking up to me again. “But still Adam, I loved every moment we shared. And I’m not just talking about the sex, which was amazing by the way…” A shy smile crossed his face and I would have found it absolutely adorable, if my own feelings hadn’t been so mixed up. My head was already a mess and I just waited for him to continue.

“You became so important to me during that time on tour. When shit hit the fan, when my world seemed to fall apart, you were my anchor, my guidance. I never really told you, how grateful I am for that. I couldn’t have done this tour without you…”

I swallowed hard, blinking as I felt tears prickling in my eyes. His words set free so many emotions in me. I was feeling it all again. The pressure, the confusion, the love and care for the person sitting next to me.

I cleared my throat before I could say something back. “I’m grateful, too… for many things, Theo. You introduced me to a completely new world. All those experiences I got to make will stay with me forever. I have to say the job was also tough at times but actually I’m just happy now that we both made it out alive…”

“Me, too. Thank you for never leaving my side, even though I treated you the way I did. I’ve been so, so stupid, Adam…” When he looked at me, I could see the regret in his eyes, but I still wasn’t sure where he wanted to go with that.

“Listen, Theo. What’s said is said and what’s done is done. I developed deeper feelings and you didn’t. I need to accept that. I don't want you to feel indebted to me in any kind just because I saved your life. It was my job and my duty. We’re even and you owe me nothing. And I guess now that my job is finished, it’s better to part ways sooner or later...” 

I didn’t know where that courage to finally draw a line under this chapter suddenly came from. Deep down I was terrified of letting go and losing him but I was even more terrified of getting hurt all over again. 

I was surprised when I could see something of my inner fear and turmoil mirroring on Theo’s face. He seemed desperate to get the next words off his chest.

“Adam, you get that wrong. What I want to tell you is not about feeling indebted. Actually I wanted to talk to you even before the award show, but it just wasn’t the right time and I was a coward. Again.” Theo let his hand slide through the strands of his hair, clearly frustrated with himself.

“When you told me you loved me, I just… I panicked and I’m so sorry for my stupid reaction now. I was scared of responsibility, I was scared of commitment, I was scared of giving up my old life. I think at that point I didn’t even understand what you mean to me. My first instinct was to escape and that’s what I did…”

“You mean the party?” I couldn’t keep the bitter tone out of my voice. Those memories still hurt like hell.

“Yeah…” Theo gave back meekly, looking to the ground again. “I guess I just wanted to prove something to myself that I could just go back to partying and having fun as if nothing had happened. As if YOU hadn’t happened.” 

Theo looked up again, his eyes pouring into mine. I felt my heartbeat speeding up. “But Adam, truth is, you have changed everything. You have changed me. I’m in love with you and it’s still strange for me to say it, but yeah. That's how it is.” 

Theo was shrugging a bit helplessly and for a moment I couldn't breath. I couldn't think at all. He was in love with me. He really said it. And I could hardly believe my ears. I felt the urge to jump on him and kiss him breathless but there was my injury holding me back and also my brain slowly kicking in again, throwing all kinds of doubts at me.

“Um… and when exactly did you realize that?” Pictures of a drunk Theo leaving the party hand in hand with a girl were flooding my mind.

Theo’s eyes shifted away, just to meet mine again a second later. “I don’t know… It just became clear to me all of a sudden, that I had been running away from my own feelings and also, that I wouldn’t lose anything if I gave us a chance. I mean, we’ve actually been together all this time and I haven't been with anyone else since the first time we slept with each other. We’ve been like a couple without me even noticing it. And it was good. I didn’t miss anything, you were enough for me.”

Theo was reaching out for my hand but I took it away, placing it into my lap. I was staring at some imaginative point somewhere far away, trying hard to contain myself. I wanted to scream at Theo what a fucking liar he was but I really didn’t want to make a scene here on the hospital ground.

“Adam?” came Theo’s voice from the side, sounding small and unsure.

I turned my face towards him again. I was sure he could see the rage in my eyes. Nevertheless I did my best to keep my voice calm and controlled. 

“So, I am enough for you, yes? Did you figure that out while you were busy fulfilling your task between her legs?”

Theo’s eyebrows shot up in pure surprise. “Wh… what are you talking about?”

“I was at that party, Theo and I saw you snogging that girl and feel her up and then leaving with her. So, don’t even try to deny it!” I gave back with a warning tone.

At that Theo looked even more surprised and also confused until I could slowly see realization dawning on his face. In other circumstances his expression could have been funny and I would have actually enjoyed it. But now I rather felt like kicking something.

“But how did you... why were you at the party? I thought…”

“I had my reasons and it doesn’t matter now. This is not about me! How on earth should I believe that you’re in love with me when in the same breath you’re lying to me without batting as much as an eyelash?!” I really couldn’t believe him.

“Adam… I wasn’t lying. I didn’t sleep with her.”

“What?” Now it was my turn to be gobsmacked. 

“I didn’t sleep with her. Nothing happened.” 

Theo was holding my gaze and I could just stare at him for a moment, trying to process the new piece of information that had been thrown at me.

“So, you really wanna tell me you left with that woman, probably took her to the hotel to do... nothing? Stop bullshitting me!”

“But it's true! Well, of course I was planning to get her in my bed. Another stupid mistake, I know...” Theo confessed. “But when I brought her to my hotel room, everything felt so damn wrong all of a sudden. All I really wanted was you and I know it's a shitty excuse but I guess I really had to go this far to finally understand that.”

“Theo David Hutchcraft turning down a pretty and willing girl... that would be a first!” My tone was sarcastic because I didn't really know how to react. I was still trying to figure out if I should believe him or not.

“It actually was,“ he gave back, conviction in his voice. “I ended up crying on her shoulder about how I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I was drunk and pathetic. God, this really has to be one of the most embarrassing moments of my life...” Theo let out an awkward chuckle and his cheeks turned slightly rosy at the memory.

“I don't feel sorry in the slightest. You fucking deserved it, you moron! I really hope she kicked your ass!”

Theo was looking at me with wide eyes and I couldn't hold back a little grin any longer. For some reason I knew he was telling the truth and even though I probably should have scolded him some more, I couldn't help but feeling happy about Theo admitting his feeling to me. 

“I know I'm an idiot... But do you think you can forgive me?” I was internally cursing his hopeful bambi-eyes, leaving me all weak and soft.

“I guess I will have to, if I want to keep that idiot around in the future,” I gave back dryly and Theo's whole face lit up.

“I promise that idiot will do better in the future...” Theo said with a sheepish look on his face.

“He better will... And if we weren't in public right know I would ask that idiot to not just talk but to finally kiss me already.”

Hearing that, Theo quickly scooted closer to me. He was leaning over, making the distance between us vanish until his face was so close to mine that I could feel his breath while he was speaking. “You know what? I will just do that now. I don't care about the public.”

And then he was placing his lips on mine, the touch warm and soft. Electricity was shooting through my body, even though we kept it very light and tender. The feeling of his mouth moving against mine was so familiar and yet completely new. It was like we were discovering each other all over again.

When Theo mumbled an 'I love you' against my lips, I could feel a shiver run down my spine. I already knew I would never get enough of those words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This could actually be the last chapter but I somehow feel like adding something that will give us a little inside into their future. :)


	15. Hold on tight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here it is finally: the very last chapter of the story! It is the longest story I have written so far and I can't thank you two (hurtsyfiction and Sickpuppyinexile) enough for your constant support! I can honestly say, if it wasn't for you, those last stories probably wouldn't exist. Your amazing feedback gives me so much motivation! <3  
> And of course, thanks to anyone else who is reading this, leaving kudos or comments. Hope you all enjoy the last part. :)

“I will just put your bag into my car and in the meanwhile you can go through the papers here...” Theo announced, grabbing my packed bag that was sitting next to my bed, as if it was just waiting to leave this place. And so was I to be honest. I was really glad that the hospital days were finally over and that I was allowed to go home or in that case to Theo's place.

Before Theo was out of the door, he turned around once more. “You know, Adam. I'm really happy that I can finally live in my house again and that life has somewhat returned to normal. And on top of that I get to share all this with you. I couldn't ask for more, really!” His dazzling smile hit me like the brightest ray of sunlight and I could do nothing but smile back at him happily.

When I had just finished signing the papers that allowed me to leave the hospital, the door was swung open again. I already wanted to make a remark about how Theo must have been flying down the stairs but then my parents were entering the room.

“Adam, we came to pick you up,” my mother explained with a cheerful voice. “I know you will probably tell us you can do this alone, but there is no way we will let you stay at a hotel now. We want you to stay with us until you are completely healed.” 

She was looking at me with an expectant face and I internally rolled my eyes. I knew they just wanted the best for me and of course they thought after the split with Katie and now that my job with Theo was finished, I had nowhere to stay.

“Mum, dad, that's really nice of you and I appreciate your effort but it's really not necessary. I'm staying with Theo...”

“Oh...” I could see surprise and a slight disappointment on her face. My dad just remained silent, which wasn't unusual for him. 

“I didn't know you've become such close friends?” She said it a bit questioningly and I scratched my chin nervously. If only she knew.

“Well, we have spent a lot of time together those past months and...” I didn't get to finish because in that moment Theo barged in again.

“Okay bab... Eh Adam... Are you ready? Oh hello Mr. and Mrs. Anderson!”

I watched Theo and my parents greeting each other and wondered if he really just wanted to call me 'babe'. Oh dear god!

After that there was a bit of small talk which didn't really help to take away my tension. I actually knew that I should tell my parents what kind of relationship Theo and I had and that the longer I waited the more difficult it would become but I just felt so unprepared and I was scared that they wouldn't take it well. I couldn't help but feel relieved when the encounter came to an end and everybody got ready to leave. Just when I took a last glance around to check if I got everything, my mother had to speak up again.

“You know Adam, you can come to us any time, just in case Mr. Hutchcraft wants to have his home for himself again. It's absolutely no problem...” 

“Oh please, don't worry about that! I'm actually glad about the company,” Theo immediately returned with a little chuckle. 

“Well, in that case...” My mother was smiling back at him. “Or maybe Adam won't even need your hospitality for that long...” she hinted in a secretive manner.

“What do you mean, Mum?” I asked, an unsettling feeling in my stomach.

“Well, you said Katie called you while you were in hospital, so I thought maybe, if you two wouldn't be so stubborn, everything could go back to how it was!” I noticed the hopeful gleam in her eyes but at the same time as my gaze shifted to Theo I could see his face fall.

I felt myself getting incredibly annoyed with the situation. Couldn't she just accept the fact that it was over? I hated her interfering in my life. I wasn't a child anymore.

“No, mum! That won't happen. And I already told you so!” My tone was quite harsh but I just wanted her to understand once and for all.

“Adam, you are always so resolute. Sometimes things can change with a bit of distance and there's nothing wrong with a second chance.” She didn't seem at all impressed by my words and in the corner of my eye I could see Theo getting more and more uncomfortable.

“There won't be a second chance because I'm with someone else.” It was out before I could think about it any further but I wouldn't have wanted to take it back either. 

Three pairs of eyes were looking at me in astonishment. A surprised “Oh really?” came from my father. My parents were probably wondering now when I had had the time to get to know someone with me being away for so long and not having much private life beside my bodyguard job and I knew that I had some explaining to do.

I looked over to Theo a bit helplessly who met my gaze calmly. For a brief moment I panicked that he wouldn't want me to out us in front of my parents since we've never talked about such things but all it took was a little encouraging smile that signalled that it was my choice and that he was with me no matter what.

“And are you planning to tell us anything more?” My mother asked carefully since the silence had stretched out for a little too long.

I took a deep breath. This was a huge step for me and I wasn't sure about their reaction at all. Still, I gathered my courage and made a step towards Theo, so that we were standing side by side. I took his hand into mine, deciding to let the gesture speak for itself. Theo was squeezing my hand, looking at me lovingly. He seemed proud and happy about my decision.

Something I couldn't say for my parents. When I was looking back at them all I could see were totally shocked and confused faces. 

“What does that mean, Adam?” My father asked with a tight voice as if it wasn't already obvious.

“I'm with Theo, dad. We are a couple.”

“But Adam, how... why...?” My mother was stumbling over her own words until she got interrupted by my father. 

“That's nonsense! You are not gay, Adam! You've been with a woman almost half of your life.” He said it as if he wouldn't accept anything else and I was reminded of scenes when I was a little boy and did something that was completely out of question. “What did you do to my son? What kind of brain wash is that?” He was aiming his anger at Theo now.

“I didn't have to brain wash him. Adam knows very well what he wants and feels,” Theo gave back, staying calm.

“Exactly! Leave Theo alone. If you like it or not, I'm in love with him and to me it doesn't matter that he's a man. I don't see the need to label myself!” My voice was firm as I spoke. I was standing my ground.

My father was already opening his mouth to throw something back at me, when my mother was holding him back. She tried to explain that this had been totally unforeseeable for them and that they needed time to process this turn of events.

“No offence,” she said to Theo with an apologetic smile. Theo nodded understandingly but didn't dare to say anything, probably because of my father.

Without any other word my father stormed out of the room and my mother after a quick goodbye hurried after him. I felt a weird mixture of relief and disappointment. Relieved because the secret was out and disappointed because they hadn't shown quite the reaction I had been hoping for. I wasn't so worried about my mum. I knew she mostly just needed time to get used to the thought of her son being with a man but I wasn't so sure about my dad. He had seemed so outraged and I was really scared that something between us was damaged for good.

I felt Theo's arms around me and his soft lips against my temple, pulling me out of my dark thoughts. “Give them time...” he mumbled. “It was a shock for them now but I'm sure they will get used to it.”

“I really hope so,” I gave back, settling my arms around him as well.

We stayed in this embrace for a while and it just felt good to have Theo's support in this. But that's what boyfriends are for after all. Boyfriends. It still was so strange, not just for my parents. But I couldn't have been happier.

“Do your parents know, actually?” I eventually broke the silence. I realized how little I actually knew about Theo's family since we had never really talked about those things in the past. Though we did spend a lot of time together, at the end of the day we had just been fuck buddies and the conversations hadn't been that far reaching.

“Um... They don't know about you, yet. Well, not long ago even I didn't know about you... I mean which part you would take in my life...” Theo was smiling at me before he continued. “But they do know that I'm kind of... let's say flexible.”

I snorted at the word he used to describe it and Theo had to chuckle as well. 

“They asked me once if the rumours about me having something going on with guys as well were true and I just said yes. And that was pretty much it. My parents are quite open with those things and so is the rest of the family.” 

“Well, lucky you! At least then I don't need to be worried about meeting them,” I mumbled.

“No, definitely not. But um... you don't want to meet them... like tomorrow, do you?” Theo asked carefully.

“No, calm down!” I said with a chuckle, knowing that Theo wasn't really used to being the relationship guy and was probably feeling a bit overwhelmed by now. “We don't need to hurry anything. Let's do it step by step.”

Even though Theo tried playing it cool, I knew he was relieved about my answer. “Alright! And the first step will be now, that I show you my house...”

“Hmmm sounds good to me. I'm especially interested in that king-size bed you have bragged about in the past...” I whispered into his ear.

“Adammm...” Theo gave back, a slight warning in his tone. “Don't even try to seduce me. The doctor said you still have to be careful and avoid any kind of physical effort.”

“Hmm,” I made an agreeing sound again. “But I'm sure we can be very careful... babe!” I deliberately used the nick name Theo wanted to give me earlier. 

“You're impossible!” Theo gave back with faked indignation but his laugh gave him away. “Let's get you in said house now and then we'll see.” 

*

Two months later

I was sprawled out on one of the couches on the tourbus, watching the guys banter over something with slight amusement. It was good to be back for the second part of the tour and this time we all could enjoy it much more without the constant threat of a psycho killer. Theo had asked me if I wanted to continue working for him as his bodyguard and head of the security team. He had reached quite a state of fame by now and would need one anyway and of course he preferred it to be me. I didn't have to think long about his offer. I loved this job, the tour life, the guys and above all I loved being with Theo. I couldn't even imagine to be separated from him for months while he was touring and it made me incredibly happy that he seemed to feel the same.

So here I was again on tour with Theo but this time it was much more relaxed. There wasn't the necessity to follow him everywhere. The protection was only needed at concerts and when he was attending public events. Also, I already had made plans for the time when Theo wouldn't be touring. I had the idea of building up my own security company and I was already very excited about this. 

My dad had even offered to invest some money into my new business idea so that the start would be easier for me. I guess it was his way to say sorry and I appreciated it a lot. I knew he wasn't a man of big words and showing emotions and talking about feelings has never been his strength. I also knew that it wasn't easy for him to accept that I was in a relationship with a man. But he tried and that was all that mattered to me. A few weeks after my coming-out my parents had called and invited Theo and me over for dinner. In the beginning the situation was still a bit tense of course but very soon I got the feeling that we would be fine. My mum warmed up to Theo quite quickly and would probably be ready to adopt him by now. And my dad, well it takes time, but some important steps were done.

With the band everything had been a lot easier. They had long suspected that something was going on between Theo and me and Paul had known anyway. He had just been genuinely surprised that Theo had committed himself to a relationship with me. But everyone was happy for us and I couldn't be happier myself. 

“Adammm, are you planning to just lie here like a sack of potatoes or do you wanna get ready for the club?” Paul's voice was pulling me out of my thoughts. 

We would have to leave early in the morning for the next city. That was why no hotel was booked and the plan was to go out and party all night and sleep when we would be on the road again. But I had changed my mind at a short notice. I felt a headache coming up and didn't feel like going out and be surrounded by loud music and tons of people at all.  
I said so much to the guys and instantly felt Theo's eyes on me. He looked a bit disappointed. I knew how much he loved partying but I was sure he could also have fun without me. 

“And what about you, Theo?” Lael asked.

“I'm staying in as well,” Theo announced after a short moment of hesitation. 

“Aww look at him...” Paul squealed. “Our party king has gone all domestic! Love must be such a wonderful thing...”

Theo gave Paul an annoyed look and just mumbled grumpily “It is...” before he made his way into the kitchen area.

I had of course picked up on Theo's mood and got up from the couch to go after him.

“Hey...” I addressed him quietly. “You can go to the party, you know. That's absolutely no problem for me. I'm a big boy and can stay alone here for a few hours.”

Theo smiled at me but immediately shook his head. “No, I would only want to go with you. But if you don't feel like it, it's ok for me. I don't mind having some alone-time with you on the bus.” He was grinning mischievously.

Secretly it made me very happy and proud that some party wasn't more important to Theo than spending time with me. A few months ago the situation would have been a different one.

“Alright. But why are you so annoyed then?” I asked softly.

“Oh it's just Paul and his stupid remarks...” He still sounded a bit irritated. 

“You know how he is. He's just being stupid and making fun...” I stepped closer to Theo and put my hand into his neck, caressing him.

“Yeah, I know... It's still annoying sometimes. And maybe I'm just a bit sensitive today. The tour schedule has been quite hectic.”

I made an acknowledging sound and smiled as Theo was leaning into my touch like a cat. I knew that the hectic tour schedule was only half of the truth. It bothered Theo that Paul had teased him about being domestic. He didn't say it but I could easily guess that settling down with someone was still a bit scary to Theo. But for now I could live with that. I was confident that those issues would lose relevance with time passing by. I had no doubt that Theo loved me and that was enough.

I leaned forward to touch Theo's lips with my own and smiled as Theo immediately responded to me. We just stood there for a while, kissing and forgetting the world around us until Paul stuck his head around the corner. 

“Okay lovebirds, we're leaving now. You have the bus all for yourselves but please behave and don't make a mess!” Paul managed to sound like a strict mum talking to her kids.

I had to chuckle and Theo rolled his eyes, glaring at Paul. “Can't you shut up for once?”

Paul just giggled while sneaking away, knowing his teasing had once again been successful.

“You're really not in the best mood today, are you?” I asked Theo who just shrugged his shoulders.

I waited until everyone was out of the bus before I continued. “But I know something that will most likely help to lighten your mood!”

“Oh and what do have in mind?” A grin was spreading out over Theo's face.

“I'll show you...” I mumbled before sinking down on my knees in front of him. Theo's eyes went dark. I knew he loved seeing me in that position. 

“I see you don't take Paul's words very seriously about not making a mess...” he mumbled.

“There won't be a mess. You know I have improved my skills since that first time I blew you on that bus, which didn't have an – let's say – optimum outcome.” I was still blushing a bit at that rather awkward memory. 

Theo stopped my fumbling with his belt by placing his hands over mine. The next moment he pulled me up again. I looked at him questioningly, wondering if I had said something wrong.

At my puzzled look, Theo lifted his hand to cup my cheek. “I just want you to know that it has never been about technique. I loved that first time and it was perfect because it was you. I love you Adam.”

I had to swallow, moved by his words. “I love you, too...” I whispered, throwing myself into his arms. 

After a while just standing there and enjoying the closeness, I remembered what I had initially planned on doing with Theo. I freed myself from the tight embrace and took his hand in mine. 

“Bunks?” I asked, already moving into said direction, not waiting for an answer.

“If you insist...” Theo grinned and let himself be dragged along, not showing much resistance.

“I do!” I simply gave back with a wink. 

I had to think about how many times we had messed around on the bus in the past, when it still meant nothing, at least for Theo and how different everything was today. I was overcome by a feeling of happiness and gratitude and I just held on to Theo's hand a little tighter.


End file.
